photo credit: Simon Blackley
Stories of older women whose prominent husbands have been caught having affairs with younger women strikes a bitter tone in the hearts of all women. The question that women often ask is, “could it happen to me?” They want to know things like: After devoting years to this man—having his kids, cleaning his house, washing his clothes, cooking his food, being a good mother, putting up with a lot of stuff I didn’t like, helping to pay bills, and making more sacrifices than he even realizes, how could he or any man be so disrespectful to his wife that he would cheat on her? Is this to be my fate? Will I have to endure the public humiliation of friends and family knowing that my husband has been cheating on me with a younger woman?
Being cheated on is a devastating experience for any woman of any age. But it’s even more traumatic for the older woman. She realizes that she is aging each time she sees herself the mirror. And she wonders whether or not her husband sees her as desirable as she once was. Her worse fear is that he doesn’t. She has gotten older. The stress and strain of career, being a wife, mother, and doing whatever was needed or required for her husband and her family has taken a tremendous toll on her physically, mentally, and emotionally.
Now, at this stage in her life, her desire has been that the two of them would grow old together and bask in the fond memories of a life filled with many happy moments. It was never her intent at this stage in her life to be dealing with an unfaithful husband who has been fooling around with a younger woman. To say that she is devastated, angry, hurt, overwhelmed and humiliated is an understatement. She’s all that and more.
Often, the wife is completely blindsided by the affair. It was completely unexpected so they weren’t prepared. They didn’t think for one moment that their husband would ever cheat on them. They believed that if they were good wives and mothers that he would be faithful. So she’s done that and worked hard at it. She’d likely be the first to admit that over the years there have been problems but she saw them as minor. They were manageable—not too serious to be overly concerned about.
But now that the affair has been discovered, she wonders whether or not the marriage was as solid as she thought it was. Did she miss something? Was she just fooling herself? Did her husband, at some point, fall out of love with her? Did he desire being with another woman—a younger woman because the spark they once had just wasn’t there for him anymore? She has a lot of very important questions that she must answer in deciding what to do. How should she respond? How can she regain her self-respect?
In other instances, the wife has known for some time that her marriage had its problems—and some were serious. She may have pleaded at times with her husband to go to marriage counseling but he refused—perhaps saying it wasn’t needed or offering a list of reasons why he didn’t think it was a good idea. And in some cases, some men just say no—absolutely not. Sometimes, it’s because of the husband’s pride that he refuses to go to counseling. A lot of men are embarrassed having to disclose that their wives are not happy in their marriages and that they need help to stay together. That’s a lot to shallow for some men.
If the husband is prominent, it can be even harder to get them to take advantage of the help that’s available. Many are fearful that the fact that they are going to marriage counseling will be exposed and that they may be faced to answer questions publicly about it so they are not willing to take that risk. They are not aware that there are professional marriage counselors, like us, who “go the extra mile” to protect the privacy of such clients. For example, we may meet such couples in their home rather than in our offices.
We conduct weekend extensive sessions locally or out of town. We recognize the demands on these couple’s schedules and we find ways to work together. Our goal is to (1) reduce the level of stress and conflict in these marriages and (2) enable these couples to have happier and more mutually satisfying relationships.
A sad and troubling situation that we sometimes experience is a call from a wife who is extremely distraught over her marriage—so upset that it is difficult for her to talk because she is so upset. Sometimes, they will not give their names because they are embarrassed and/or attempting to protect their husband—even at their own expense. These women are frustrated, angry, sad, depressed, and feel completely hopeless in being able to change the situations in their marriages. We attempt to make time just to listen and offer support for whatever few minutes we might have available.
The ideal situation is for both the husband and wife to get marriage counseling together. And sometimes, that’s not possible because of the husband’s refusal. If you find yourself in one of those situations, we recommend that if you can’t get your husband to go to counseling that you do it on your own for yourself. You are entitled to having this support.
Counseling can help you learn some new strategies for dealing more effectively in your relationship. You can learn better ways to communicate and resolve conflicts. It can help you think through options that you might not have thought of or considered. You have a great deal to gain working on yourself. This will likely have a positive impact on your relationship as well.
If you are the husband, we suggest that you reconsider your position and at least give marriage counseling a try. Your marriage will not improve by ignoring the fact that you have problems in your relationship and that you need help to turn things around. The marriage will not improve by doing nothing! We invite you to call us for a recommendation of possible therapists and the marriage counseling approaches that we’ve found to be the most effective.
To your relationship success,
Jesse and Melva
