photo credit: Kirstelisa
In our last article, we stated that in our 33 years as marriage counselors that women have complained that most men don’t understand what women want and need sexually. The sad news is that the reverse is also true—that most women don’t understand men’s sexual make up either. So, we have women and men in relationships, having sex, and neither really understands what the other needs when it comes to sex. And that’s most unfortunate. It explains why many couples are frustrated sexually—so much so, that it is estimated that nearly 40 million married couples in the U.S. either have little or no sex.
The purpose of this article is to attempt to make a start toward educating women about male sexually. This is an extremely comprehensive subject—far too much to cover adequately it this short article. However, it is a start—ways of helping women understand male sexuality. We also want to support men in better understanding their own sexuality. Hopefully, this will enable men and women to better understand each other and have more mutually fulfilling sexual experiences. So, with that bit of an introduction, let’s begin with a few key ideas that men wished women understood about their sexuality.
All Men Are Not Dogs
There is a common belief among a lot of women that men will have sex with just about any woman if given the opportunity. Therefore, they act like dogs. The truth is that this is not true. To be sure there are men (and women too) who are sex addicts but this represents a rather small number of men. Most men truly love their wives and do not run around trying to sleep with every woman they see. So to say that men are dogs is an insult to men.
Men, Like Women, Like To Be Appreciated
Most men would prefer that their wives acknowledge them for how hard they work to care and provide for their wives and families. Many men work at jobs they hate, allow themselves to be taken advantage of by their bosses, and basically do whatever they have to do to make sure that their families are taken care of. They arrive home tried, stressed out, worn out, and want a place where they can relax. We’re not minimizing for one minute the fact that wives are overburdened and stressed out too because of all they do for their husbands and families. What we are saying is that because both men and women are doing their very best to provide what’s needed for their families and both need to be appreciated and acknowledged by each other.
A Wife’s Nagging and Complaining Is A Real “Turn Off” To Men
Some men say that their wives complain constantly and that it’s a real “turn off.” A lot of men say that while having a hard day at work, they fantasize about coming home to their families—playing with their kids and having a pleasant romantic evening with their wives. But the moment they open the door at home, their wives start complaining about the smallest of things.
Some men have said that they believe their wives deliberately start a fight to avoid having sex with them.
The problem is that many wives don’t feel resolved about certain important issues. They often feel frustrated that these issues just linger on indefinitely without any resolution. When couples don’t know how to communicate effectively and resolve issues, the problem remains. So wives who are often feeling an emotional disconnection and unsettled inside while things are kept “hanging,” keep bringing them up hoping that finally they will be addressed and resolved. Men often see it as complaining. Wives see it as trying to get something important handled. If couples would learn to communicate better so they could resolve their issues faster and better, both men and women would benefit immensely.
Some Men Suffer From Performance Anxiety
A lot is expected these days from men in the bedroom. The man must be able to (1) be knowledgeable and skillful in arousing his wife through foreplay, (2) be able to get an erection and this can be a significant problem for some men due to a number of medical reasons, (3) be able to maintain an erection long enough for his wife to achieve an orgasm—maybe multiple orgasms, and (4) satisfy his wife’s need for romantic cuddling after he achieves orgasm by staying awake even though the release of his sexual tension causes him to relax. Most likely, he wants to fall asleep while his wife is in a semi-aroused state. He’s through, and she’s not.
There is a lot of pressure on men to provide good sex to women these days. Women are now demanding, and rightfully so, that their sexual needs be met. They are no longer willing to allow their husbands to just “do his thing” without being sexually fulfilled. Many men want to but simply don’t know how. Other men think they know but really don’t. Unfortunately, many, if not most couples, are unable to talk about sex empathetically or constructively together so the problem remains unresolved and couples frustrated.
Some Men Have The Same Kind of Self-Esteem and Body Image Issues As Women
It is quite common for women to look at themselves in the mirror and make judgments, often negative, about how they look. Men look at themselves in the mirror too. Some like what they see and others don’t. A man may feel out of shape, unattractive, and question whether or not he is desirable to his wife anymore. He may notice his “love handles,” his gut and see himself as not being physically fit. Some men, like women, don’t want their wives to see them naked. One wife couldn’t understand why her husband rushed to put on his boxer shorts right after sex. As it turns out, he felt his genitals were “small” so he was embarrassed after sex.
When you add the kind of work and financial pressures men often feel along with body-image and performance issues, these combine to impact how a man feels about himself. Men need the same kind of reassurances that women expect from their husbands because both are struggling with the same kind of issue.
Men Wished Women Understood Their Sex Drive and Their Need For Sexual Release
Men’s sex drive is far different than that of women. It might be helpful to start by using an example that both men and women can relate to. We’ve all had situations where our bladders were full and we needed to urinate. Maybe we’re not in a place where we can do it right then. So, we have to wait. In the meantime, more urine is collected in our bladder to the point that it might become so uncomfortable, even painful, that we must relieve ourselves. Once we do, we can relax.
If you can relate to that example, it illustrates what happens with men who need to have a way of releasing the buildup of semen in their testicles. It is estimated that billions of sperm are produced weekly and a quadrillion (1,000,000,000,000) over a lifetime. The sperm is held in the man’s epididymis at the rear of his testicles. Sperm is produced continuously, 24/7 and upon building up, just like urine, it wants out. It must be released or the man will find it uncomfortable and in some instances, painful.
There are three ways a man can find relief through the release of this sperm. It is released through ejaculation by orgasm, masturbation, or nocturnal emissions (wet dreams). The need to release this build up of sperm applies to all men—from Presidents to Pastors. This need, this urge, to release his sperm is a natural process inherent within men that is designed to insure the continuation of the human race through the need to reproduce “after its kind.”
Some women might take the attitude that how a man ejaculates his sperm is not her problem and all that we’ve done is to prove that “men are dogs.” Other women might respond by saying “So, what’s the point.” There are a couple of points. The first is that if you’re a mother raising a male child, perhaps alone, it’s important that you know enough about male sexuality to teach your child what he needs to know about his own body. The second point is that if you insist that your husband understand your sexuality, it is equally important that you understand his. So we think it’s important that women not only understand but also be more empathetic of men and their sexuality. Many women, unfortunately, assume that there is no difference. One example is that many women believe that men can “hold out” sexually as long as they can. When you understand men’s sexual physiology, it’s clear that it is not a part of the male design. So, it at least makes you more empathetic and less judgmental of your husband’s sexual needs and make up.
Most Husbands Really Love Their Wives And Prefer To Have Sex With Them Over Any Other Woman
This may come as a surprise to many women. Your husband might glance at other women but it’s you that he loves and wants to be with—including sexually. We discovered an important statistic while preparing for this series. In one research project, when men who were in sexless marriages were asked if they would leave their wives because they were not having sex, the overwhelming majority said “no.” They wanted to have sex with their wives but they would not leave them because they had sexless marriages.
Men and women have a lot to learn about each other—especially when it comes to sexual differences. Our sincere hope is that at least these series of articles will start some important conversations between husbands and wives. We believe that it is essential in empowering couples to have mutually fulfilling sexual experiences together.
To your relationship success,
Jesse and Melva
