photo credit: marcianneliese
From my experience as a minister and our work as marriage counselors, we have experienced marriages and families torn apart because of major conflicts over how to care for aging parents. Often, the parents are suffering from physical or mental disabilities or both. And while the couple and family members argue over what to do, the aging parents are forced to sit and wait by until someone eventually decides their fate. These are people who have lived their entire lives as independent, proud, self sufficient individuals. They are now dependent—needing others care for their basic needs. That, in itself, is difficult enough to accept. And it is even more painful to witness your family fighting over your care. We’ve been with parents who have wept deeply over their family’s squabbles. They would prefer not to be the center or the reason for the conflict. It’s difficult to express the full extent of their sorrow and pain.
Several years ago, after assisting yet another family in dispute about their ailing parents, we decided to have an open and honest discussion about how we would provide care for our own aging parents. It wasn’t a conversation that we welcomed, but it was necessary. We asked and answered several important questions such as what would we do if it was necessary for us to give care? What were our expectations of each other? How would we offer support? What level of financial assistance would we provide, if necessary? When we had that conversation, all four of our parents were well and in reasonably good health. As time progressed, each began to have specific health challenges. Today, only one of our parents is still living.
As each of our parent’s health began to decline, we found ourselves mentally and emotionally prepared because of our earlier discussions. The good news is that most of the decisions we made and the actions we had agreed to were not required. However, we were comforted throughout the process of experiencing their declining health because we had taken the time to have those conversations.
We strongly suggest that if you’re married or a couple in a long term committed relationship that you take the time to have that discussion. Your parents may be in great health, viable, independent, and self sufficient. However, a sudden illness or debilitating injury could change that in an instant. You could find yourself in a position to have to provide care for them. Because sooner or later, you and your family are likely to be faced with this situation, it is better to have this discussion now so that you are prepared.
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Here’s to your relationship success!
Jesse and Melva
