Part 2 – Reconciling after Marriage Separation
Part 1 – Marriage Separation Steps
photo credit: Todd Binger
In our previous article, we shared some recommended marriage separation steps that we often give to those couples who believe that a temporary separation might be needed in their relationships. Often, the emotional distress and/or tension had become so intense that couples were fearful that they might say or do something that would cause an even greater disruption in the marriage. They have asked our advice about the steps they should take for a trial marriage separation with the possibility of reconciliation at some time in the future.
The intent of most couples who decide to separate for a period of time is to (1) allow for a “cooling off” period, (2) give each the opportunity to assess where they are in the relationship, and (3) decide if they wish to reconcile. If they do, and this is often the case, the couple is hopeful that they will be able to make a fresh start and overcome the problems that lead to the separation.
Separation and reconciliation is a two part process. In the same way that a couple needs to take certain steps to separate, they must also take very specific steps to reconcile. Our suggested steps for reconciliation are as follows:
The Decision To Reconcile Should Be Made Jointly
Just as the decision to separate was made jointly, the decision to reconcile should also be made jointly.
Acknowledgement of Each Partner’s Role in the Marital Problems
Partners need to have an honest, “heart to heart” conversation about the way(s) that their previous behavior contributed to the breakdown in the marriage. Hopefully, each has had some individual counseling to explore their roles in their marital problems. Each partner should ask for forgiveness and state what and how they intend to relate differently.
Development and Implementation of A Reconciliation Plan
In order to insure the greatest possible success, it is important that couples discuss and plan the way that the family will reconcile. Nothing should be assumed but rather carefully thought out and then implemented.
Recommitment To The Marriage
We recommend that partners make a declaration of their intent to re-commit to the marriage. We also recommended that it should be written and signed by both. The declaration should also spell out the frequency that the couple will review this declaration, assess their success, and make changes when necessary. Couples might also consider repeating their marriage vows either informally just between the two of them, with a small limited number of family or friends, or a more formal re-dedication ceremony involving a larger number of persons. It’s a matter of personal preference.
Celebration
In acknowledgement of the amount of work the couple has done to save their marriage, we recommend that couples celebrate their accomplishment. Taking the time to celebrate re-enforces the positive changes that have been made and the couple’s re-dedication to their marriage.
We believe that as the couple begins a new marriage together following their separation and reconciliation that it is helpful to create a joint vision for their relationship. Our forthcoming on-line course, “Couplehood As A Spiritual Path,” begins with our guiding couples through a process that will enable them to create a written vision statement for their relationship. Learn more about the Couplehood as a Spiritual Path virtual event!
So, if you believe that your marriage would benefit by a trail separation to build toward the reconciliation of a whole new relationship, we hope that the steps we’ve provided will be of help. Our sincere intent is always to support you in having the highest quality relationship possible.
To Your Relationship Success,
Jesse and Melva Johnson
Got a Burning Marriage Separation or Reconciliation Question?
Ask! We’re here to help and it’s always free to ask us a question that you have burning on your heart! All questions are completely anonymous and we’ll answer you directly via video posted to the blog! Ask your marriage separation and reconciliation question now!
Marriage and Separation Resources
[Note: We love sharing resources with you! However, please note that we are only sharing educational resources and do not endorse any of the specific sites listed, just the content we've reviewed. With everything, please use your best judgment as to the application of any resource when dealing with your life's most important relationship!]Couplehood as a Spiritual Path Virtual Couples Program: We believe this 6 week series will help any couple, whether in separation, looking to separate, and those who are in the reconciliation process.
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