Without question, there are a lot of people in the U.S. who are obsessed with sex. Some would say that people have “sex on the brain”—that it’s all that they think about. And that is true of some people. Society is bombarded with sexual images everywhere. Advertisers know that “sex sells” because they use our obsession with sex to market just about everything. Clearly, it’s on the minds of so many people that sex has become a major industry in the U.S. with annual revenues of over $13 billion dollars.
Yet, in spite of this obsession with sexual gratification, many people, including both men and women, are unhappy and unfulfilled in their sex lives. Over 40 million married couples have little or no sex. Like the story of the “dog chasing its tail,” sex is so close yet so far. Many of us long for “a more perfect sexual union” but appear incapable of creating it. Why? We believe it’s because we’ve forgotten some very basic principles that are essential to having a fulfilling sex life. We’d like to share what we consider to be two of the most important principles in this article.
Sex Is Best Within the Context of a Committed Love Relationship
In spite of the common practice of some young (and older) people to practice causal “hook up” sex, in our practice as marriage counselors we have come to recognize that the best sex is experienced by those couples in a committed love relationship. Loving committed couples experience sex as a deeply meaningful and one of the most pleasurable human experiences possible. It’s beyond the level of simply just having an orgasm. You can do that by yourself without a partner. Only those who share their lives together in a loving committed relationship can experience the true beauty, fulfillment, intimacy, and ecstasy of their sexual connection. It is felt on four levels—physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual.
We are troubled by recent reports of some of our youth, especially young girls, who perform oral sex on boys like it was shaking hands. And what disappoints us is that such behavior represents a continuation of the exploitation of young women by men who take advantage of them for their own sexual gratification. Society, among all age groups, pays a huge price for casual sex. There continues to be an explosion in the rate of STD’s (sexually transmitted diseases) among our youth and recent statistics shows an increase even among the elderly. STD’s can result in a wide range of medical illnesses. Some of those consequences can be are permanent—and some fatal such as HIV/AIDS.
So the question is, are such consequences worth the two minutes (which is the average amount of time it takes a man to reach an orgasm) of a casual “hook up?” Ask those who have contracted a disease or who cheated and lost their families and they’d say absolutely not!
We believe that the best way of being in a committed love relationship is marriage. And we’re aware that couples’ living together without marriage has increasingly become the trend. We encourage marriage not only for spiritual and psychological reasons, but because it also makes sense. Why? It’s because our laws governing coupleship have been written to grant certain rights and privileges to married couples that are not always clear for those who are not. This is especially important for women and children who sometimes need their rights protected by law. There is a wisdom that has been passed down for eons from our elder women who have said to younger women, “baby, if he won’t marry you, don’t let him move in.”
Sex Is Best Between Couples Who Honor Their Commitment to an Exclusive Sexual Relationship
Nothing is more emotionally damaging to a relationship than a partner who has cheated. The reason is simple—it constitutes a major breach of trust. Most people want to believe that their sexual relationship is an exclusive one—a place held sacred between them. When that commitment is violated, it is extremely painful. If the partner who cheated seeks forgiveness and desires to rebuild the trust that has been violated, it may take years.
Recent research among people in marriages and committed relationships shows a significant increase in the number of partners who are unfaithful—among both men and women. Men typically are unfaithful for sex. Women are unfaithful because they long for a loving, emotional connection.
To avoid the pain of a partner who is likely to cheat on you, our strong recommendation is that you carefully select your mate. We suggest that you only commit to a partner who has consistently demonstrated that they love, care for, respect, and honor you and that they have proven that they can be trusted. We also strongly recommend pre-marital counseling from a competent, professional marriage therapist.
In addition, you would be well advised to make an agreement that you will learn how to resolve conflicts quickly. And should you encounter a serious problem in your relationship that you cannot resolve on your own, that you will not allow anger, resentment, or frustration to build—that you will get help without delay.
Remember that the solution to problems in your marriage or relationship is never found in some other outside relationship. Extra marital relationships only compound the problems in the marriage and make resolution extremely difficult. Problems in your marriage can only be solved within the marriage relationship.
While this article represents the last of our nine part series on infidelity, it is certainly not our last words on this important topic. Our hope is that those who have followed this series of articles have found them to be informative, enlightening, and helpful in some way. As always, we welcome your questions and comments. If you would like to hear more on this topic or on others, we’d like to hear from you.
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To Your Relationship Success,
Jesse and Melva
