If you’re in a sexless marriage (sex less than 10 times a year), you’re not alone. It is estimated that 40 million married couples in America are living in a no-sex or low sex marriage. If both partners are OK without sex, fine. It’s not an issue. But that’s not the case with most couples. At least one is unhappy and desiring more sexual intimacy. Most therapists believe that about half the time it’s the woman’s choice and the other half it’s the man.
In their book, “He’s Just No Up for It Anymore,” Dr. Bob Berkowitz and his wife, Susan Yaeger-Berkowitz, share the results of surveys and interviews with more than 4,000 men and women in this situation.
Some of the main reasons why men said they stopped having sex was:
She doesn’t seem to enjoy sex
She isn’t sexually adventurous enough for me
I’m angry at her
I’m bored with our sex life. We do the same thing in the same position all the time
She’s depressed
I no longer find her physically attractive. She’s overweight and let herself go.
I suffer from erectile dysfunction
I’m on medication that has lowered my libido
I lost interest and I don’t know why
I am/was having an affair
Their new survey indicates that both men and women feel hurt, angry, confused and not very appealing when their spouse rejects them in bed.
The reasons why men think their wives stopped having sex with them are:
She wasn’t that interested in sex to begin with but married me anyway
My wife was sexually abused as a child and it had a negative impact on her sexually
She grew up with religious beliefs against having sex that she can’t overcome
She has a medical condition that makes sex uncomfortable
She refuses to let go of past fights, arguments, and hurt feelings
She believes that I can go without sex as long as she can
She’s more into taking care of the kids and meeting their needs than in meeting my needs
She’s on the pill. I heard that it reduces the libido by 30% or more for some women
She has let herself go and is out of shape. She doesn’t even want to see herself naked.
Both of us are bored. We have sex the same way every time.
She’s not satisfied sexually and doesn’t tell me what she wants to make it better
After our review from several sources, we’ve concluded that the reasons women give for not having sex with their husbands are:
Intercourse is physically painful for me
I’m angry. He never wants to help me out around the house or with the kids.
I’m pretty sure he’s having an affair. Or he’s had an affair in the past and I just can’t get past the hurt
My husband has gained a lot of weight, is badly out of shape, and he doesn’t turn me on anymore
He treats me like crap and expects it not to matter
He only shows affection when he is horny
He tells me I am fat, stupid, boring, or a nag
He’s too selfish as a lover.
He forgets special occasions—like our anniversary and my birthday
He doesn’t say “I love you” or “I’m sorry”
He insists on sex acts that he knows are huge turn offs for me
He spends way too much time away from me—watching porn, or being with his friends, or with sports.
I’m tired of being ignored. He watching a ballgame or just about anything is more important than having a conversation with me
It is unfortunate, but true, that some partners withhold sex deliberately as a punishment. The attitude is, “why should I give you sex when you won’t give me what I want?” In many instances, one or both partners hold onto a long list of grievances—some of which are likely never to be resolved because it provides a reason not to be emotionally or sexually intimate.
If you are a couple where one or both of you are unhappy because of a sexless marriage, we urge you to seek help. You may be satisfied without having sex but your partner may not. If one has a problem, both of you have a problem because your anger and resentment toward each other is likely to leak out in numerous ways that will result in continuing damage to your relationship. Remember that problems in marriage don’t improve by ignoring them. In fact, it only makes things worst.
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To your relationship success,
Jesse and Melva
