For a number of reasons, it makes sense to some people to forgo marriage and to opt instead to just live together. “Why get married and then go through the hassle of getting a divorce?” some say. And given the fact that the United States has the highest divorce rate of any industrialized nation in the world, it makes sense to many couples to just live together. If this “trial by cohabitating” works out well, then, the couple might consider a formal and/or legal arrangement such as marriage in the future. If things don’t work out, then each is free to leave the relationship and move on without all the legal entanglements.
Research aimed at studying this phenomenon does not see it as a viable alternative to marriage. For example, research conducted by the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University found that couples living together were more likely to get divorced when married. Another study by the National Survey of Families and Households in 1992 concluded that married couples who lived together first before getting married were 46% more likely to get divorced. So, if you decide to live together in a “trial marriage” before getting married, the stats are not in your favor. You might be better off just going ahead and getting married. The reason why we offer this suggestion we’ll explain in just a moment.
Another reason why some decide to live together is for economic reasons. Sharing rent, food, utilities, transportation, furnishings, and the like are less costly when shared by couples. But just like with married couples, money can become an area of major conflict—especially if one partner is expecting and depending upon the other to come up with their share of the monthly expenses and they fail to do so. Not having all the money to pay your rent at the last minute because your partner has let you down makes one distrustful and insecure about the future of the relationship and is a major stressor. At least, if you’re married, hopefully, you have discussed and planned how to manage your joint household expenses because you are legally bond to do so.
Successful relationships require that both persons know and use good relationship skills. Those skills are necessary whether you are just living together or married. If you don’t know how to resolve conflicts, negotiate differences, manage money, honor your commitments, share responsibilities, be open to change, willing to grow, keep the love alive, and work together for mutual benefit, then living together or being married is likely to be a big disappointment.
We highly recommend that couples work with a competent marriage counselor/educator before moving in together or marrying to acquire and being using the skills necessary to make it a viable, successful relationship.
To Your Relationships Success,
Jesse and Melva Johnson
Relationship Experts
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