Marriage & Couples Community

Thank you so much for your question.  First of all, I want you to know that I can imagine how painful this must be for  you.  It also looks like to me that you are committed to saving your marriage.  Better communication is always a good first step.  Increased intimacy takes more time. 

So many people believe that “Romantic Love”  they experience during their attraction to their mate is supposed to be enduring versus growing toward the kind of love that is enduring and builds up over time with consistent loving and caring expressions of mutual respect and support.  Although your wife says she doesn't want to work on the marriage, I wonder if she would be open to learning more about  herself and what she could do to raise her self esteem as well as learning about what both of your brought into the marriage for individual healing and growth and from that place make a decision about where to go from there.  Let me know what she says.

Warmly,

Melva

Thank you so much Melva for responding. First off, let me say I am grateful and honored for your personal response. I really do look up to you and your husbands' relationship advice and look forward to when my wife can as well.

I had brought up the self-esteem issue to her before, but she doesn't want to talk about it. I think she feels that leaving an uncomfortable situation is the best way to deal with things. For example, her high school friends have been calling her to get together for their 20th HS reunion this week, but she's been ignoring their calls and telling me not to answer the phone. I'm not sure if this relates to her self-esteem issues, but it sure sounds like it. Her mom is the same way in terms of feeling uncomfortable about talking about personal issues. She idolizes her mom and literally acts and even dresses like her.

Her father left her family when she was six and she was always paranoid about me cheating on her. For 17 years I have been faithful and so it took me for a loop that she fell in love with her boss. I can see why since he bought her lots of gifts, validated her, etc.  And I think he's going through a midlife crisis of his own. She really fell for him hard saying that he was her soulmate, etc. That was one year ago. Now she just seems always depressed and when we get into a confrontation where she feels attacked, she throws out the divorce word. I thinks she does feel guilty, however she has never admitted to it or apologized even though she said they kissed on occassion. She just says “don't you get it? I don't love you. I need to find someone who makes me happy” I know how wrong that statement is.

I would have left a while ago, but my kids are so young, I want them to have a stable and happy home. During this journey, I've gotten so much closer to God and have had Him fill the emptiness my wife left.

Because she has an aversion to talking about herself to me. Anything else I can try? Have you had other couples in this situation?

Thank you so much Melva.

Right now my wife is at home and if you didn't know any better, you would think that there was absolutely nothing wrong with us. The counselor I see is just for myself to help me along when I need it. There are times that I feel weak and miss the personal support I should be getting from my wife.

I could try to suggest the online session to see what she says. But if she is still uncomfortable, any suggestions as to how to get someone with low self-esteem to open up? I told  her that she was the one who has to file the paperwork if she wants a divorce, but has not moved at all. Any cases where one person was able to salvage the marriage?