Marriage & Couples Transformations - Forum: Q and A with Jesse and Melva http://couplestransformations.com/forum/q-and-a-with-jesse-and-melva Simple:Press Forum Version 4.0.4 Robin on Always Defensive http://couplestransformations.com/forum/q-and-a-with-jesse-and-melva/always-defensive/#p47 Q and A with Jesse and Melva http://couplestransformations.com/forum/q-and-a-with-jesse-and-melva/always-defensive/#p47 HI Jesse and Melva,

I'm wondering how I can get my husband to understand when I ask him questions about why he's doing something a certain way it's not criticism.  Also when I offer suggestions or comments about something we are working on together he thinks I'm critizing how he's doing it.  It's not my intentions to be critical.  He works in a high stress job and I think he's brining it home with him and takes it out on me.  I'm inquisitive and like to learn by asking questions.  He says I should change and that if I want to work on projects with him not to say anything because I haven't earned the right to ? him.  For example:  I reminded him the best way to hold a tool so it worked properly, I read the directions per his request, he did NOT.  When I made the suggestion he blew up and started screaming and kicking things about me being critical all the time.

He thinks he's earned the right not to be questioned about anything and that I should stop being so 'critical' and stop asking questions.  He wants to be the boss and thinks he knows it all and when I offer my ideas or make suggestions he blows up.  He tells me later that I should know by now he gets upset sometimes b/c he just wants to get the project done, but I wind up resenting him more and more each time.  He calls himself a team player, but I'm not so sure that's the case.  He did play team sports growing up.

Thank you for any feedback you may be able to provide and your time.

rbm

]]> Mon, 05 Oct 2009 10:09:04 -0700 melvajohnson on Imago Marriage Questions Answered http://couplestransformations.com/forum/q-and-a-with-jesse-and-melva/imago-marriage-questions-answered/#p46 Q and A with Jesse and Melva http://couplestransformations.com/forum/q-and-a-with-jesse-and-melva/imago-marriage-questions-answered/#p46 Imago Marriage Questions Answered:  A husband wants to know how he can effectively deal with his wife's constant criticism.  He isn't sure how to approach her in a loving way.  We discuss the marriage problem at hand and provide Imago Relationship Therapy solutions to help their situation.
Jesse and Melva :-) ]]> Fri, 02 Oct 2009 20:21:11 -0700 jessejohnson on Marriage Q and A: Difficulty Talking About Sensitive Issues http://couplestransformations.com/forum/q-and-a-with-jesse-and-melva/marriage-q-and-a-difficulty-talking-about-sensitive-issues/#p39 Q and A with Jesse and Melva http://couplestransformations.com/forum/q-and-a-with-jesse-and-melva/marriage-q-and-a-difficulty-talking-about-sensitive-issues/#p39

Imago Couples Weekend Workshop - September 19-20

If you're in the Michigan area this weekend, join us for our latest Imago Couples Weekend Workshop. Forget boring lectures, formal settings, awkward interactions, and gimmicky exercises ... ]]> Thu, 17 Sep 2009 06:31:37 -0700 melvajohnson on She Doesn't Love Me Anymore http://couplestransformations.com/forum/q-and-a-with-jesse-and-melva/she-doesnt-love-me-anymore/#p18 Q and A with Jesse and Melva http://couplestransformations.com/forum/q-and-a-with-jesse-and-melva/she-doesnt-love-me-anymore/#p18 Show her the page to the class.  She may or may not be open to it.  Sometimes one person can be effective in inviting their spouse to explore saving the marriage, but not always.  It is difficult to know what would be helpful to your wife because I have not had contact with her.  However, it is importnat that you honor that you are doing what you know to do to change things around. 

]]> Thu, 09 Jul 2009 19:17:22 -0700 stuck808 on She Doesn't Love Me Anymore http://couplestransformations.com/forum/q-and-a-with-jesse-and-melva/she-doesnt-love-me-anymore/#p17 Q and A with Jesse and Melva http://couplestransformations.com/forum/q-and-a-with-jesse-and-melva/she-doesnt-love-me-anymore/#p17 Thank you so much Melva.


Right now my wife is at home and if you didn't know any better, you would think that there was absolutely nothing wrong with us. The counselor I see is just for myself to help me along when I need it. There are times that I feel weak and miss the personal support I should be getting from my wife.


I could try to suggest the online session to see what she says. But if she is still uncomfortable, any suggestions as to how to get someone with low self-esteem to open up? I told  her that she was the one who has to file the paperwork if she wants a divorce, but has not moved at all. Any cases where one person was able to salvage the marriage?

]]> Thu, 09 Jul 2009 17:10:21 -0700 melvajohnson on She Doesn't Love Me Anymore http://couplestransformations.com/forum/q-and-a-with-jesse-and-melva/she-doesnt-love-me-anymore/#p16 Q and A with Jesse and Melva http://couplestransformations.com/forum/q-and-a-with-jesse-and-melva/she-doesnt-love-me-anymore/#p16 I was just about to sign off and saw your message.  I have two recommendations.  The first is that you get help for yourself to support  you to sort things out and figure out what is best you, your marriage and your children. Is there a minister or marriage counselor you might feel comfortable talking to?   I know this is a long shot, but if there is any way your wife would be willing to join you for our online class, Couplehood as a Spiritual Path, that might plant some very important food for thought for her.  Like I said, this is a very long shot.  In the meantime, take care of you so you can be as present as you can for your children.  Hope this helps,

Sincerely,

Melva

]]> Wed, 08 Jul 2009 18:44:31 -0700 stuck808 on She Doesn't Love Me Anymore http://couplestransformations.com/forum/q-and-a-with-jesse-and-melva/she-doesnt-love-me-anymore/#p15 Q and A with Jesse and Melva http://couplestransformations.com/forum/q-and-a-with-jesse-and-melva/she-doesnt-love-me-anymore/#p15 Thank you so much Melva for responding. First off, let me say I am grateful and honored for your personal response. I really do look up to you and your husbands' relationship advice and look forward to when my wife can as well.


I had brought up the self-esteem issue to her before, but she doesn't want to talk about it. I think she feels that leaving an uncomfortable situation is the best way to deal with things. For example, her high school friends have been calling her to get together for their 20th HS reunion this week, but she's been ignoring their calls and telling me not to answer the phone. I'm not sure if this relates to her self-esteem issues, but it sure sounds like it. Her mom is the same way in terms of feeling uncomfortable about talking about personal issues. She idolizes her mom and literally acts and even dresses like her.


Her father left her family when she was six and she was always paranoid about me cheating on her. For 17 years I have been faithful and so it took me for a loop that she fell in love with her boss. I can see why since he bought her lots of gifts, validated her, etc.  And I think he's going through a midlife crisis of his own. She really fell for him hard saying that he was her soulmate, etc. That was one year ago. Now she just seems always depressed and when we get into a confrontation where she feels attacked, she throws out the divorce word. I thinks she does feel guilty, however she has never admitted to it or apologized even though she said they kissed on occassion. She just says "don't you get it? I don't love you. I need to find someone who makes me happy" I know how wrong that statement is.


I would have left a while ago, but my kids are so young, I want them to have a stable and happy home. During this journey, I've gotten so much closer to God and have had Him fill the emptiness my wife left.


Because she has an aversion to talking about herself to me. Anything else I can try? Have you had other couples in this situation?

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