Part 1 – Marriage Separation Steps

photo credit: Todd Binger

In our previous article, we shared some recommended marriage separation steps that we often give to those couples who believe that a temporary separation might be needed in their relationships. Often, the emotional distress and/or tension had become so intense that couples were fearful that they might say or do something that would cause an even greater disruption in the marriage. They have asked our advice about the steps they should take for a trial marriage separation with the possibility of reconciliation at some time in the future.

The intent of most couples who decide to separate for a period of time is to (1) allow for a “cooling off” period, (2) give each the opportunity to assess where they are in the relationship, and (3) decide if they wish to reconcile. If they do, and this is often the case, the couple is hopeful that they will be able to make a fresh start and overcome the problems that lead to the separation.

Separation and reconciliation is a two part process. In the same way that a couple needs to take certain steps to separate, they must also take very specific steps to reconcile. Our suggested steps for reconciliation are as follows:

The Decision To Reconcile Should Be Made Jointly

Just as the decision to separate was made jointly, the decision to reconcile should also be made jointly.

Acknowledgement of Each Partner’s Role in the Marital Problems

Partners need to have an honest, “heart to heart” conversation about the way(s) that their previous behavior contributed to the breakdown in the marriage. Hopefully, each has had some individual counseling to explore their roles in their marital problems. Each partner should ask for forgiveness and state what and how they intend to relate differently.

Development and Implementation of A Reconciliation Plan

In order to insure the greatest possible success, it is important that couples discuss and plan the way that the family will reconcile. Nothing should be assumed but rather carefully thought out and then implemented.

Recommitment To The Marriage

We recommend that partners make a declaration of their intent to re-commit to the marriage. We also recommended that it should be written and signed by both. The declaration should also spell out the frequency that the couple will review this declaration, assess their success, and make changes when necessary. Couples might also consider repeating their marriage vows either informally just between the two of them, with a small limited number of family or friends, or a more formal re-dedication ceremony involving a larger number of persons. It’s a matter of personal preference.

Celebration

In acknowledgement of the amount of work the couple has done to save their marriage, we recommend that couples celebrate their accomplishment. Taking the time to celebrate re-enforces the positive changes that have been made and the couple’s re-dedication to their marriage.

We believe that as the couple begins a new marriage together following their separation and reconciliation that it is helpful to create a joint vision for their relationship. Our forthcoming on-line course, “Couplehood As A Spiritual Path,” begins with our guiding couples through a process that will enable them to create a written vision statement for their relationship. Learn more about the Couplehood as a Spiritual Path virtual event!

So, if you believe that your marriage would benefit by a trail separation to build toward the reconciliation of a whole new relationship, we hope that the steps we’ve provided will be of help. Our sincere intent is always to support you in having the highest quality relationship possible.

To Your Relationship Success,

Jesse and Melva Johnson

Got a Burning Marriage Separation or Reconciliation Question?

Ask!  We’re here to help and it’s always free to ask us a question that you have burning on your heart! All questions are completely anonymous and we’ll answer you directly via video posted to the blog!  Ask your marriage separation and reconciliation question now!

Marriage and Separation Resources

Couplehood as a Spiritual Path Virtual Couples Program:  We believe this 6 week series will help any couple, whether in separation, looking to separate, and those who are in the reconciliation process.

Three Steps to Getting  Back Together

In the Middle of His Will: Jon and Kate Plus 8

Marital Conflict Where Can I Get Help

Reconcile My Marriage and Save My Relationship

How to Save Your Marriage Now

Thoughts on Reconciliation

Can’t Afford Divorce, Reconcile

Enjoy!

Jesse and Melva Johnson
Royal Oak, Michigan Marriage Counselors

Got a Burning Marriage Question? Ask!

Enjoy!

Jesse and Melva Johnson
Royal Oak, Michigan Marriage Counselors

Got a Burning Marriage Question? Ask!

photo credit: mescon

Without question, there are a lot of people in the U.S. who are obsessed with sex. Some would say that people have “sex on the brain”—that it’s all that they think about. And that is true of some people. Society is bombarded with sexual images everywhere. Advertisers know that “sex sells” because they use our obsession with sex to market just about everything. Clearly, it’s on the minds of so many people that sex has become a major industry in the U.S. with annual revenues of over $13 billion dollars.

Yet, in spite of this obsession with sexual gratification, many people, including both men and women, are unhappy and unfulfilled in their sex lives. Over 40 million married couples have little or no sex. Like the story of the “dog chasing its tail,” sex is so close yet so far. Many of us long for “a more perfect sexual union” but appear incapable of creating it. Why? We believe it’s because we’ve forgotten some very basic principles that are essential to having a fulfilling sex life. We’d like to share what we consider to be two of the most important principles in this article.

Sex Is Best Within the Context of a Committed Love Relationship

In spite of the common practice of some young (and older) people to practice causal “hook up” sex, in our practice as marriage counselors we have come to recognize that the best sex is experienced by those couples in a committed love relationship. Loving committed couples experience sex as a deeply meaningful and one of the most pleasurable human experiences possible. It’s beyond the level of simply just having an orgasm. You can do that by yourself without a partner. Only those who share their lives together in a loving committed relationship can experience the true beauty, fulfillment, intimacy, and ecstasy of their sexual connection. It is felt on four levels—physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual.

We are troubled by recent reports of some of our youth, especially young girls, who perform oral sex on boys like it was shaking hands. And what disappoints us is that such behavior represents a continuation of the exploitation of young women by men who take advantage of them for their own sexual gratification. Society, among all age groups, pays a huge price for casual sex. There continues to be an explosion in the rate of STD’s (sexually transmitted diseases) among our youth and recent statistics shows an increase even among the elderly. STD’s can result in a wide range of medical illnesses. Some of those consequences can be are permanent—and some fatal such as HIV/AIDS.

So the question is, are such consequences worth the two minutes (which is the average amount of time it takes a man to reach an orgasm) of a casual “hook up?” Ask those who have contracted a disease or who cheated and lost their families and they’d say absolutely not!

We believe that the best way of being in a committed love relationship is marriage. And we’re aware that couples’ living together without marriage has increasingly become the trend. We encourage marriage not only for spiritual and psychological reasons, but because it also makes sense. Why? It’s because our laws governing coupleship have been written to grant certain rights and privileges to married couples that are not always clear for those who are not. This is especially important for women and children who sometimes need their rights protected by law. There is a wisdom that has been passed down for eons from our elder women who have said to younger women, “baby, if he won’t marry you, don’t let him move in.”

Sex Is Best Between Couples Who Honor Their Commitment to an Exclusive Sexual Relationship

Nothing is more emotionally damaging to a relationship than a partner who has cheated. The reason is simple—it constitutes a major breach of trust. Most people want to believe that their sexual relationship is an exclusive one—a place held sacred between them. When that commitment is violated, it is extremely painful. If the partner who cheated seeks forgiveness and desires to rebuild the trust that has been violated, it may take years.

Recent research among people in marriages and committed relationships shows a significant increase in the number of partners who are unfaithful—among both men and women. Men typically are unfaithful for sex. Women are unfaithful because they long for a loving, emotional connection.

To avoid the pain of a partner who is likely to cheat on you, our strong recommendation is that you carefully select your mate. We suggest that you only commit to a partner who has consistently demonstrated that they love, care for, respect, and honor you and that they have proven that they can be trusted. We also strongly recommend pre-marital counseling from a competent, professional marriage therapist.

In addition, you would be well advised to make an agreement that you will learn how to resolve conflicts quickly. And should you encounter a serious problem in your relationship that you cannot resolve on your own, that you will not allow anger, resentment, or frustration to build—that you will get help without delay.

Remember that the solution to problems in your marriage or relationship is never found in some other outside relationship. Extra marital relationships only compound the problems in the marriage and make resolution extremely difficult. Problems in your marriage can only be solved within the marriage relationship.

While this article represents the last of our nine part series on infidelity, it is certainly not our last words on this important topic. Our hope is that those who have followed this series of articles have found them to be informative, enlightening, and helpful in some way. As always, we welcome your questions and comments. If you would like to hear more on this topic or on others, we’d like to hear from you.

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To Your Relationship Success,

Jesse and Melva

Enjoy!

Jesse and Melva Johnson
Royal Oak Michigan Marriage Counselors

Got a Burning Marriage Question? Ask!