photo credit: DoubleSpeak with Matthew and Peter Slutsky
Currently, Elizabeth Edwards, the wife of 2008 Presidential candidate John Edwards, has been making the rounds of popular televisions shows promoting her new book, “Resilience.” In it, she talks about her battle with breast cancer, having to deal with the emotional pain over the loss of her son, the trauma of her husband’s affair and allegations that that her has fathered a child by the “other woman.” It has been interesting to observe the responses of women to Elizabeth Edwards.
Some hold her in the highest esteem—seeing her as a strong, courageous woman who has withstood the many challenges she’s had to face with dignity and tremendous personal perseverance. She has stood by her husband even though he has brought horrendous public embarrassment on himself and her family. Other women question her decision to remain loyal to her husband, since, obviously, he hasn’t been that loyal to her. “Why,” they ask, “would she stay with a man who has cheated on her while she’s been fighting for her very life?”
Whether to stay with a cheating husband or go is a decision that a lot of women have to face. Millions of marriages each year are touched by infidelity. It is estimated that one in every 2.7 American couples face the impact of cheating. That means nearly 40% of marriages are affected. That’s a lot of cheating going on! Not all of the cheating is being done by men. Women also cheat, but not to the same degree that men do, however, the rate of women cheating appears to be increasing. In marriages where the husband has cheated, the wife must decide whether to stay in the marriage or leave it.
Her decision is influenced by the husband’s response to having been caught. If he is sincerely remorseful, is able to convince the wife that he still loves and wants to be with her, and is willing to do whatever is required to repair the marriage including ending the affair and going to counseling for example, she is more likely to attempt to forgive him and work to repair the marriage. If, however, she doesn’t believe him, is convinced that he can’t be trusted, does not demonstrate to her satisfaction that he really wants her or the marriage, continues to cheat and lie about it, and is not willing to make a conscientious effort to repair the marriage, she is more likely to leave.
Some men believe that they can fool their wives into believing that they have ended an affair when they haven’t. From our experience, the wife is rarely, if ever, fooled. Some women will use every means possible to determine if her suspicions are true. She needs to know the truth to protect herself. Often, she doesn’t have to look too hard to find the proof she needs because the average husband leaves evidence that he’s not even aware of. Wives will sometimes wait for an appropriate moment to disclose and act on what she knows. So, our advice to men is this. If you think you can continue to cheat and get away with it without your wife knowing, forget it! If you really want the marriage, you must end the affair—right now! And no sneaking back every now and then. End it completely! And finally!
If you’re a wife or girlfriend reading this and you have become aware that your husband or man is having an affair, you will need to make a decision about how to handle it. Do you stay or go? We don’t envy the decision that you have to make. It is a very personal one requiring that you take a host of things into consideration in making your decision. There are no “one choice fits all” situations. As we stated earlier, a lot has to do with the sincerity and commitment of your mate to fix the marriage and do whatever is required to make that happen.
We sincerely respect and support Elizabeth Edwards for her decision to stay with her husband—yes, in spite of his affair and the possibility that he may have a son by another woman. Let’s face it, how many more battles can she be expected to tackle while she continues to face a terminal cancer that she knows will eventually take her life. Isn’t it possible that under the circumstances that she just might want to live whatever remaining days she has on earth in as much peace, tranquility and freedom from as much stress possible? Considering her situation, it makes perfect sense to us that she would not want to allow even her husband’s public embarrassment to affect the quality of her remaining life.
Each person and each woman must make their own decisions based upon their special set of circumstances. What will work for one woman may not work for another. We think that it is important that each of us not be too quick to judge another woman’s decision when she’s faced with the knowledge of her spouse’s infidelity. It’s difficult and challenging enough just to deal with that. To add to that the negative judgments and opinions of others who really don’t know all the facts in your situation just adds to the pain. Regardless of the final outcome, know this. Ultimately, you’re going to be O.K.
To Your Relationship Success!
Jesse and Melva
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