It’s hard enough when a marriage goes sour to have to deal with it privately. But when it’s done publicly, like Jon and Kate Gosselin, it’s even worse.

People prefer to grieve on their own without reporters sticking microphones in their mouth at every opportunity. That’s got to make it a lot more difficult.

We’re sure that they’ll figure it out in time. Most people do and they’ll move on and consider this just another chapter in their lives.

But what about their eight kids? Their young lives have been lived in front of the camera. So their lives are being adversely affected too.

In reality parents tend to focus most of their attention on their problems when there are marital problems. While the parents argue, the kids are left out. The kid’s world is being shattered. They are fearful, uncertain about their future, and no longer feel safe.

Parents need to consider this when having marital problems. They need to stand up, be adults, fight for the marriage, tend to their children, get help, and keep their families together.

photo credit: jcoterhals

To Your Relationship Success,

Jesse and Melva

Avoid Divorce and Enrich Your Marriage

Introducing a virtual Marriage and Relationship Course to help you communicate better about the things that matter most to both of you! Learn cutting edge step by step strategies to guide you to turn conflict into closeness. Online Marriage Counseling Workshop

Unfortunately, many couples just don’t know how to fight fair in marriage. Fighting is unavoidable because couples have different opinions about a lot of things. There are times when they agree—and others when they don’t.

In our marriage counseling, we teach couples how to fight. We provide lots of tips—too many to include in this brief article. So, we’d like to share the three most important. They are:

* Discuss Only One Topic At A Time

Don’t “kitchen sink” by bringing up everything you’ve been unhappy about. Stay focused on one topic at a time. Don’t bring up anything else until you’ve successfully resolved the first one.

* Listening Without Interrupting

If you’re going to get resolved, both of you must feel heard and understood. You are likely to have different opinions, memories, and points of view. That’s OK. Just listen to understand.

* Fight For A “Win–Win” Resolution

You can only win when you both win.

Learning how to fight fair in marriage will help you maintain the loving connection both of you deserve.

To your relationship success,

Jesse and Melva

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Virtual Marriage Workshop: Couplehood as a Spiritual Path

We believe that all relationships have their ups and downs. But when couples don’t have the tools they need to work them through over time couples drift apart emotionally and spiritually.  Join us as we explore how to enrich your marriage as you build couplehood as a spiritual path!  Explore the details >>

photo credit: marcianneliese

From my experience as a minister and our work as marriage counselors, we have experienced marriages and families torn apart because of major conflicts over how to care for aging parents. Often, the parents are suffering from physical or mental disabilities or both. And while the couple and family members argue over what to do, the aging parents are forced to sit and wait by until someone eventually decides their fate. These are people who have lived their entire lives as independent, proud, self sufficient individuals. They are now dependent—needing others care for their basic needs. That, in itself, is difficult enough to accept. And it is even more painful to witness your family fighting over your care. We’ve been with parents who have wept deeply over their family’s squabbles. They would prefer not to be the center or the reason for the conflict. It’s difficult to express the full extent of their sorrow and pain.

Several years ago, after assisting yet another family in dispute about their ailing parents, we decided to have an open and honest discussion about how we would provide care for our own aging parents. It wasn’t a conversation that we welcomed, but it was necessary. We asked and answered several important questions such as what would we do if it was necessary for us to give care? What were our expectations of each other? How would we offer support? What level of financial assistance would we provide, if necessary? When we had that conversation, all four of our parents were well and in reasonably good health. As time progressed, each began to have specific health challenges. Today, only one of our parents is still living.

As each of our parent’s health began to decline, we found ourselves mentally and emotionally prepared because of our earlier discussions. The good news is that most of the decisions we made and the actions we had agreed to were not required. However, we were comforted throughout the process of experiencing their declining health because we had taken the time to have those conversations.

We strongly suggest that if you’re married or a couple in a long term committed relationship that you take the time to have that discussion. Your parents may be in great health, viable, independent, and self sufficient. However, a sudden illness or debilitating injury could change that in an instant. You could find yourself in a position to have to provide care for them. Because sooner or later, you and your family are likely to be faced with this situation, it is better to have this discussion now so that you are prepared.

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Here’s to your relationship success!

Jesse and Melva

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One of the most painful, heart wrenching experiences we’ve faced as marriage counselors has been in attempting to provide emotional support for couples who have tried repeatedly without success to have a child. For most, it has been a painstaking process—seeking every possible medical means to become parents. It is often physically painful, emotionally draining, and financially expensive because the medical treatment required is not covered by insurance. We recall a married couple, who were friends and not clients, who were so determined to have a child that the wife literally remained in bed for 7 months attempting to bring her baby to term. And even after such a sacrifice and willful determination, she lost the baby in the last trimester. They were devastated and rightfully so. Such couples don’t understand how some couples can be so nonchalant and causal about having children so effortlessly without any complications. You should be aware that there are thousands of childless couples who long to have just one child and it is painful to watch them make multiple attempts only to fail time after time.

Our point is that if you have been fortunate to be a parent, recognize that children are a gift. There are those who would give almost anything to be in your position. You can’t even begin to imagine the pain that they go through daily just to have the opportunity to have a child. They would love to complain about how much work it requires, about 2 o’clock feedings, changing diapers, deciding whether to breast fed or bottle fed, and be able to shop for their infant.

After leaving sessions with such couples, we give ongoing thanks for our two sons. They have been, and even now as adults, are our greatest joys. Whatever personal sacrifices we have made has been worth it. And we’re suggesting that if you’ve been blessed to be a parent that you, too, realize how truly blessed you are and with that realization, that you approach being a parent from that perspective.

Now we’d like to say a word of encouragement to those strained by wanting to be parents but haven’t yet been able to make that happen. Our suggestion is that as you continue to go through all the trials and struggles that this entails that you continue to bond even closer together. Do not allow your disappointment to drive you apart. Talk to each other empathically about your hurt and disappointment and allow it to build an even stronger connection between you. And don’t forget that whatever happens, you can always be each other’s baby!

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Here’s to your relationship success!

Jesse and Melva

photo credit: accent on eclectic

If you are married or a couple who has a special needs child, our hearts go out to you. Those who don’t have a special needs child cannot fully understand the day to day challenges you must face. And because your love for your child has made you determined to care for them in spite of the tremendous difficulties that this entails, you have our sincere respect and admiration.

There are approximately 10.2 million children in the U.S. under 18 who have special health care needs. Overall, nearly 22% of U.S. households have a least one child with special health care needs. Therefore, nearly every extended family across the country is likely to include at least one special needs child.

Those of us who are parents know all too well the demands of parenthood. Those demands are three or four times greater on parents with special needs children. Depending on the severity and type of special need, these children often require a great deal of medical attention—both at home, in emergency rooms, and in various medical facilities. The time required by parents to provide love, nurturing, and care along with the financial burden because of out of pocket health care costs all combine to make the job of parents of special need children enormous. And if there are other children in the household, and most often there are, these children also want, and deserve, to have their own special time and attention from their parents. These overwhelming demands, if not handled properly, can stress couples to the extent that it can put the entire family at risk.

We are strong advocates of people learning some very basic relationship education skills. These include couples learning how to communicate, resolve conflicts, and build cooperation and teamwork. This is of critical importance among parents who have special needs children. It is also important that the child’s disability not become the entire focus. Someone has said that “The child should live in your house rather than you living in their house. Otherwise, the family is defined by the disability and the child, the marriage and the other children will all suffer.”

We have three recommendations for the parents of special needs children. The first is to take good care of your marriage or relationship. Carve out some time for yourself and your partner even in spite of the tremendous demands on your time. Two, learn and practice good, basic relationship skills so you can communicate and work together successfully. We believe that couples who have learned how to work together successfully as a team, regardless of whatever the situation, can deal with any challenge more effectively. Three, we strongly suggest that you include and involve your entire family (including all of your children and other family members), in assisting you in creating the most happy, enjoyable, and fulfilling family life possible for everyone in your household.

Finally, because many of us have family members with special needs children, we would urge you to lend a hand. Any help you can provide to parents of children with special needs would be appreciated more than you could know. If you’re unsure what and how you might be of help, ask. Just asking that question would indicate that you are caring and sensitive to their needs. On behalf of all the parents of special needs children, thank you.

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Here’s to your relationship success!

Jesse and Melva