Imago is a form of marriage and couple’s counseling developed by Dr. Harville Hendrix and his wife, Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt. They incorporated and expanded upon the best of all the best counseling approaches into Imago Relationship Therapy. By doing so, they created what many consider the most effective processes available to help couples significantly improve their relationships and restore more loving connections.

People often ask us “what is imago counseling?” Most aren’t sure how to pronounce it. It’s pronounced “ee maa go.”

Imago counseling answers three fundamental questions. (1) Why do we consciously and unconsciously chose the partners we do? (2) Why do we get stuck in our relationship problems? (3) How can we get unstuck? The counseling is a two part process–understanding what’s really going on beneath the surface of our relationship problems and learning very specific relationship skills/tools to help you resolve them.

Imago counseling has enabled us to help couples to heal, grow and create a life together that they didn’t believe possible. Other couples made their relationships even better and engaged couples learned the skills needed to insure a happy marriage.

Like to know more, we offer Imago Therapy Marriage Counseling

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To your relationship success,

Jesse and Melva Johnson

Forgiveness in marriage is an important part of what we help couples to do in our marriage counseling. It’s because forgiving your spouse is not as easy as it may seem. The simple fact is that many of us don’t know how to forgive. A big part of the problem is in the way we define what forgiveness means. One definition of forgiveness is “giving up my right to hurt you for hurting me.”  Another definition based upon our experience working with couples is “giving up my right to remain hurt indefinitely for your hurting me.” This implies letting go of those thoughts and feelings that keep you bound to the offense committed against you.

Those who condemn their spouses to hell because of an unwillingness to forgive them, sentence themselves there as well. Forgiving your spouse does not mean forgetting or condoning what has happened to you. Forgiveness in marriage is not saying that things are okay now and then going back to an abusive situation and accepting your spouse’s unacceptable behavior. The act of forgiveness is primarily for the benefit of the person who forgives. It is not letting the guilty spouse “off the hook” and it does not minimize or justify the wrong.

Your decision to forgive means that you have given up your need to define yourself as a victim because of the offense. Forgiving your spouse releases you from the negative thoughts and feelings associated with the offense and it allows you to live a freer and happier life in the present.

In spite of their best efforts, some spouses need help learning how to forgive. Forgiveness in marriage can be a challenge, especially if you really don’t want to forgive, or your spouse is unwilling to admit their wrong, or does not express any meaningful regret or remorse for what they have done. So how can you forget the unforgettable? How can you forgive the unforgiveable? There are some things that are “deal breakers” in marriage, especially if the spouse continues to repeat over and over again certain unacceptable behaviors. Each individual must decide for themselves exactly what those behaviors are and the consequences should they continue. However, if a spouse determines that an offense is forgivable, that they want to forgive no matter how difficult it might be, and both spouses want to mend and move forward, then, it is possible to heal and move on.

A first step is to remember that none of us is perfect and that demanding “perfection” from our spouse is unrealistic. You may have made a mistake(s) yourself but maybe you were lucky enough not to have gotten caught. So, a little compassion would be appropriate. Secondly, what’s required in forgiving your spouse is a decision—a willingness to move forward by letting go of the old hurts. If you find this difficult, we’d suggest that you go for marriage counseling on your own.

What if you’re the one who needs forgiveness? Some spouses don’t know how to forgive themselves when they’ve hurt their spouse. You may feel an intense sense of guilt and shame for what you have done. Holding onto resentments against yourself is just as harmful as it is holding onto resentments against another person. Mistakes are just that—mistakes—bad judgments. The thing to do is what our parents and teachers taught us long ago—that is, to learn from our mistakes and move on.

There are some important questions to ask, such as: Where did I go wrong? What was the error in my thinking? How did I handle that situation poorly? How will I think and act differently in the future? Add your own. Do some real soul searching. And if you’ve hurt your spouse deeply, go to them, admit your mistake without making excuses, seek their forgiveness, share what you have learned from the experience, commit to a new path and make amends, and allow them time to heal. Marriage counseling is also recommended to help both of you forgive and chart a new course.

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To Your Relationship Success,

Jesse and Melva

“All major religious traditions carry basically the same message, that is love, compassion and forgiveness the important thing is they should be a part of our daily lives.” — Dalai Lama

Online Marriage Counseling Workshop

We are very excited about sharing with you what we have learned in a ground breaking six week, step by step, program entitled Couplehood as a Spiritual Path. The program will give you the information and skills necessary to work through conflicts and build a stronger connection.  Couplehood as a Spiritual Path >>

If the title of this article has caught your attention, there’s a good chance that you may already be having some marriage problems or you’d like to know how to spot any before they start getting serious. That is the purpose of this article—to help you spot potential problems and offer suggestions about what to do before they get serious.

Being able to spot the warning signs and then learning how to deal with your marriage problems are important to the success of any mutually satisfying long term committed relationship. In the 33 years that we have provided help for couples with marriage problems, it has been disheartening to have seen couples needlessly spending years struggling when they could have gotten help for their marriage problems earlier. Yes, we have enabled thousands of couples overcome the obstacles in their relationships. We have helped them restore hope and a belief that they could make things better. And we have celebrated their accomplishments as they’ve successfully made a fresh new start. It can be done!

We’ve seen it happen time after time. Our honest sincere best advice is this—if you’re beginning to have problems in your marriage, take action right away! Get help without delay! Spare yourself of a lot of wasted time with an increasing mountain of marriage problems. Now, let us help you spot some of the most common that, if not addressed immediately, can result in serious problems. We suggest that you put a checkmark next to any that might apply to your marriage or relationship. These problem behaviors can be done by you, your partner, or both.

Marriage Problems Warning Signs

• Inability to communicate—especially about particular topics
• Ongoing unresolved conflicts and disagreements that can often lead to heated arguments
• Avoidance behaviors—spending more time at work, with the kids, on the computer, with family or friends, hanging out, etc. doing just about anything to justify not spending time with your mate
• An increasing lack of sexual desire to the point where there is little or no sex
• Questions and/or uncertainty about your partner’s sexual fidelity
• One or both partners increase the amount of criticizing, blaming, and nagging
• Partners being demanding or controlling of their partner
• Complaining to family and/or friends about your partner
• Being secretive – unwilling to disclose certain personal and/or financial information to your mate
• Feeling more and more victimized in the marriage/relationship
• Not consulting with each other about purchases
• Stressing each other out about the “small stuff”
• Not keeping your commitments by not following through on what you’ve said you would do
• A general feeling of not being happy in your marriage or relationship

Quite often, many of the warning signs above start off rather small. They might involve minor irritations. However, in time, especially if they are not addressed, they become increasingly worse and before long they can become a major marriage problem(s). In far too many instances, some partners deny the significance of their marriage problems and /or couples may try valiantly to address their issues but just don’t know how to deal with them successfully. And, unfortunately, many couples do not get help for their marriage problems soon enough, if at all, and loose any hope or desire to repair their marriage or relationship.

In the overwhelming majority of cases (like 80%), no matter how bad things are, it is possible to turn things around. That is why we are offering a seven week online teleseminar entitled “Couplehood As A Spiritual Path. It can be a great start to begin to address and resolve marriage and relationship problems. And, it can be taken in the privacy and comfort of your own home. For more information and to sign up for two free introductory teleclasses about the course, follow the link below.

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To Your Relationship Success,

Jesse and Melva

Online Imago Relationship Workshop

Introducing a virtual Marriage and Relationship Course, based on Imago Relationship Therapy, to help you communicate better about the things that matter most to both of you! Learn cutting edge step by step strategies to guide you to turn conflict into closeness.  Couplehood as a Spiritual Path >>

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As marriage counselors, couples or partners often come to us seeking support in dealing with an intense marital situation. When one or both partners are emotionally charged to the extent that they are fearful that either might say or do something that could cause an even greater rift in the relationship, they have asked our advice about the steps they should take for a trial marriage separation with the possibility of a reconciliation at some time in the future. The couple might be stressed because of a continuation of ongoing unresolved conflicts. In other instances, a spouse may be in excruciating emotional pain after learning of a mate’s unfaithfulness and may need time alone to sort out their feelings.

The decision for a temporary separation is always in the hands of the couple. While we may offer our support in helping them to explore all alternatives, if they should decide to separate, we offer the following steps for couples to consider:

The Decision To Separate Should Be Made Jointly

This is especially important if both partners are likely to seek reconciliation at some point in the future.

Agreement Must Be Made On The Length of the Separation

A specific time should be set for how long the partners will remain living separately. For example, the amount of time should be set in weekly/monthly increments of 1, 2, 3 weeks/months, etc. At any time, the couple can renegotiate the time of the separation by shortening or lengthening it.

Agreements Must Be Made About Managing Finances, Child Custody and Visitation, and No Dating During The Separation

During the period of marriage separation, even though partners are living alone, steps must be taken to maintain the marital home—especially if, at some point, the couples decide to reconcile. Partners must decide how, and by whom, each of their household expenses will be paid. They must also agree on how they, together, will explain the separation to their children and their agreements about spending visitation time with the separated parent. The couple must agree to a “No-Dating” agreement during the separation and if, and how, they might be sexual together. The No-Dating agreement is especially important in cases where a partner has been unfaithful.

We Recommend That Each Partner Get Individual Counseling and Couple’s Counseling During The Separation

We recommend individual counseling so that partners can get support in sorting out and assessing where they are in their lives and in the relationship. Often, partners are unaware of their role in the marital conflict and this should be explored. In other instances, especially in cases of infidelity, a partner may need time to deal with their feelings and make a decision about what they want to do. The individual counseling should also include couple’s counseling because it provides an opportunity for the partner’s to work together on their relationship issues and learn new ways to address their problems.

At The End Of The Separation, The Couple Makes A Decision To Reconcile or Divorce

The purpose of the trial separation was to give both partners the opportunity to make a joint decision about the future of the relationship. And most often, at some point, it is clear to one or both the direction they want to take in their lives. To go from a marriage separation to reconciliation requires some additional steps. Those we will present in our article on marriage reconciliation.

The good news is that many of the couples with whom we’ve worked have built stronger and better marriages after being apart for awhile. It doesn’t happen instantly or magically. It is the result of working through their emotional feelings, discovering their roles in the nightmare, and learning some new ways of relating.

What couples need most are the skills, the tools, necessary to be able to communicate and work together. That is why in our forthcoming Couplehood As A Spiritual Path On-Line Course, effective communication skills are included along with demonstrations and homework. Couplehood as a Spiritual Path

So, if you believe that your marriage would benefit by a trail separation in order to build toward the reconciliation of a whole new relationship, we hope that the steps we’ve provided will be of help. Our sincere intent is always to support you in having the highest quality relationship possible.

To Your Relationship Success,

Jesse and Melva Johnson

Blogs Discussing Marriage Separation Reconciliation

[Note:  We share these resources not to endorse the content provided, but to provide you with additional information for educational and further resource purposes only.  We can only ever vouch for our own advice and content.]

Tips for Coping with Marriage Separation

Tips to Deal with Circumstances that Cause Separation

Marriage Reconciliation from a Biblical Perspective

Simple Reconciliation Strategies

Marriage Reconciliation Prayer Request

There is no more excruciating pain in a marriage or relationship than the discovery that your mate has cheated.Most often, when women cheat, men respond with anger and rage. And when men cheat, women typically become so emotionally upset with their pain that they have difficulty functioning. They find themselves crying for days, have trouble eating, sleeping, concentrating, or managing the smallest tasks. They share many of the same symptoms of our servicemen returning from Iraq who have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder—a very serious mental health condition.

There are two types of cheaters. The first is the typical “one night stand.” And while this type represents a serious breach of trust, it is easier to repair because there was likely no emotional attachment and was a “slam bam thank you mam” sex thing. The second type is the “serial” cheater—meaning that they (1) have had multiple sexual partners and/or (2) have been involved with a lover over an extended period of time. Most likely, they have established an emotionally close sexual relationship. This type is enormously more difficult to forgive and cope with because it constitutes a major breach of trust and has involved years of lies and deceitfulness.

If you, or someone you know, have been cheated on, our advice is that you allow a period of healing and seek professional counseling to enable you to move through the grieving process faster.

If you’re the one who has been cheating and want to preserve your marriage or relationship, we urge you to end it right now! If you’ve had problems in your relationship, get help. It’s far better to end the affair before your spouse finds out. If you don’t, at least for a while, you may be living in such torture that you might think that you’re an inmate at Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq. Both you and your mate deserve more. Get help now! Let us help you!

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To your relationships success!

Jesse and Melva

Live in Michigan? We offer affordable weekend couples workshops to help enrich your relationship!

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