photo credit: mescon

Without question, there are a lot of people in the U.S. who are obsessed with sex. Some would say that people have “sex on the brain”—that it’s all that they think about. And that is true of some people. Society is bombarded with sexual images everywhere. Advertisers know that “sex sells” because they use our obsession with sex to market just about everything. Clearly, it’s on the minds of so many people that sex has become a major industry in the U.S. with annual revenues of over $13 billion dollars.

Yet, in spite of this obsession with sexual gratification, many people, including both men and women, are unhappy and unfulfilled in their sex lives. Over 40 million married couples have little or no sex. Like the story of the “dog chasing its tail,” sex is so close yet so far. Many of us long for “a more perfect sexual union” but appear incapable of creating it. Why? We believe it’s because we’ve forgotten some very basic principles that are essential to having a fulfilling sex life. We’d like to share what we consider to be two of the most important principles in this article.

Sex Is Best Within the Context of a Committed Love Relationship

In spite of the common practice of some young (and older) people to practice causal “hook up” sex, in our practice as marriage counselors we have come to recognize that the best sex is experienced by those couples in a committed love relationship. Loving committed couples experience sex as a deeply meaningful and one of the most pleasurable human experiences possible. It’s beyond the level of simply just having an orgasm. You can do that by yourself without a partner. Only those who share their lives together in a loving committed relationship can experience the true beauty, fulfillment, intimacy, and ecstasy of their sexual connection. It is felt on four levels—physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual.

We are troubled by recent reports of some of our youth, especially young girls, who perform oral sex on boys like it was shaking hands. And what disappoints us is that such behavior represents a continuation of the exploitation of young women by men who take advantage of them for their own sexual gratification. Society, among all age groups, pays a huge price for casual sex. There continues to be an explosion in the rate of STD’s (sexually transmitted diseases) among our youth and recent statistics shows an increase even among the elderly. STD’s can result in a wide range of medical illnesses. Some of those consequences can be are permanent—and some fatal such as HIV/AIDS.

So the question is, are such consequences worth the two minutes (which is the average amount of time it takes a man to reach an orgasm) of a casual “hook up?” Ask those who have contracted a disease or who cheated and lost their families and they’d say absolutely not!

We believe that the best way of being in a committed love relationship is marriage. And we’re aware that couples’ living together without marriage has increasingly become the trend. We encourage marriage not only for spiritual and psychological reasons, but because it also makes sense. Why? It’s because our laws governing coupleship have been written to grant certain rights and privileges to married couples that are not always clear for those who are not. This is especially important for women and children who sometimes need their rights protected by law. There is a wisdom that has been passed down for eons from our elder women who have said to younger women, “baby, if he won’t marry you, don’t let him move in.”

Sex Is Best Between Couples Who Honor Their Commitment to an Exclusive Sexual Relationship

Nothing is more emotionally damaging to a relationship than a partner who has cheated. The reason is simple—it constitutes a major breach of trust. Most people want to believe that their sexual relationship is an exclusive one—a place held sacred between them. When that commitment is violated, it is extremely painful. If the partner who cheated seeks forgiveness and desires to rebuild the trust that has been violated, it may take years.

Recent research among people in marriages and committed relationships shows a significant increase in the number of partners who are unfaithful—among both men and women. Men typically are unfaithful for sex. Women are unfaithful because they long for a loving, emotional connection.

To avoid the pain of a partner who is likely to cheat on you, our strong recommendation is that you carefully select your mate. We suggest that you only commit to a partner who has consistently demonstrated that they love, care for, respect, and honor you and that they have proven that they can be trusted. We also strongly recommend pre-marital counseling from a competent, professional marriage therapist.

In addition, you would be well advised to make an agreement that you will learn how to resolve conflicts quickly. And should you encounter a serious problem in your relationship that you cannot resolve on your own, that you will not allow anger, resentment, or frustration to build—that you will get help without delay.

Remember that the solution to problems in your marriage or relationship is never found in some other outside relationship. Extra marital relationships only compound the problems in the marriage and make resolution extremely difficult. Problems in your marriage can only be solved within the marriage relationship.

While this article represents the last of our nine part series on infidelity, it is certainly not our last words on this important topic. Our hope is that those who have followed this series of articles have found them to be informative, enlightening, and helpful in some way. As always, we welcome your questions and comments. If you would like to hear more on this topic or on others, we’d like to hear from you.

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To Your Relationship Success,

Jesse and Melva

photo credit: zpeckler

How well do you and your partner work together as a couple? Maybe in some ways you manage fairly well. But in other areas you seem to struggle.

A major problem in many relationships is an inability to work together as cooperative equals especially in areas of importance to you. There are certain areas where you agree so you find yourselves managing these reasonably well. In other areas where you don’t agree you find yourselves deadlocked in reoccurring conflicts.

Most of the conflicts involve arguments over “who’s right” and “who’s wrong.” One of you believes you have the best idea or solution. Now, all you have to do is to convince your partner that you’re right. But, your partner may have other ideas. So, there the two of you are–fighting over ideas. And, as long as you’re in conflict, neither of you are addressing what needs to be handled.

We’re suggesting that both of you need to stop fighting and start listening to each other’s ideas before making any negative judgment about them. It’s likely that both of you have really good ideas based upon how each of you sees the situation and it’s likely that they’ll be slightly different–and that’s really valuable. After each of you has listened to and heard all the ideas presented, blend the ideas from both of you in making a decision. You will find that working together in this way as equals is far better than engaging in constant hassles. You’ll also feel good about your collective, joint success.

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Here’s to your relationship success!

Jesse and Melva

If you’re a man who believes that putting in grueling hours at work and doing a few outside chores around the house is enough and that your mate should be happy, the chances are that she’s not–at least not entirely.

If you’re a woman who believes that working hard either outside or inside the house or both–taking care of the kids and doing a mountain of household chores is enough and that your mate should be happy, the chances are he’s not–at least not entirely. You’re probably also wondering why. It’s because by the time you take care of the kids and multi-task all the things you have to do you’re exhausted. You’re so tired at the end of the day there’s little, if any, real quality time for your man.

We’re suggesting that it is good for you, your relationship, and your family to balance your work and your marriage. When you live at the extremes by pushing yourself beyond what is humanly reasonable, one way or the other you will pay a significant price. And one way you’ll pay is in the quality of your relationship.

We encourage you to demonstrate your commitment to each other by taking quality time for each other. When you make the commitment to live your lives in greater balance and devote more quality time to your relationship. It will have a profound impact on your connection and you’ll be surprised how much life will seem to get easier and more fulfilling.

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Here’s to your relationship success!

Jesse and Melva

photo credit: 1suisse

Are you and your spouse or partner having money problems right now? If so, you’re not alone. Many couples are. The question is how are you handling it?

Even when things are going well, some couples fight about money. In a 2006 study conducted by Money magazine, 84% of the respondents said that money caused a lot of tension in their marriage/relationship. 15% fought about money several times a month. So money issues trigger a lot of the tension and fights in relationships.

When money is tight, some couples turn “on” each other rather than “to” each other. Fighting only makes the situation feel worse. Criticizing, blaming, fault finding, name calling and all of the other negative things we say and do when we fight is not the way to confront the problem. You may end up not even wanting to talk to your partner about it because of their reactive behavior. And if you don’t talk, you can’t solve the problem.

The key to dealing with any problem in a relationship, including money, is to work together to find a mutually acceptable solution that both of you can live with. It requires that you sit down together, discuss the situation calmly, brainstorm all of the possible solutions both of you can come up with, and then choose from among all of the ideas your best possible situations. This may require several brainstorming/problem
solving sessions. This approach will not only help you deal with the situation better, it is also likely to bring you closer together.

We also suggest that you:

• Don’t allow money problems to consume all of your time and attention.
  Plan a specific time weekly to talk together about money. We recommend no more than an hour.
  Include both short term and long term financial goals in your discussion
  Find ways to support each other emotionally during the process
  Celebrate your successes no matter how great or small

Finally, it’s important to keep things in perspective. Whatever money problems you’re facing right now are temporary. Things will improve over time–especially, if you work together.

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Here’s to your relationship success!

Jesse and Melva

Holding onto the pain, anger, resentment, and bitterness hurts you more than the other person.  It keeps us stuck.  It’s living in our own self imposed mental and emotional prison.  It keeps us trapped in emotional turmoil, affects our health, and restricts us from moving on with our lives.  Until, or unless, we forgive the other person, we hold ourselves in bondage. We may also believe that constantly reminding the other person of their transgression keeps them from repeating it. Not only is this not true, ultimately, it can result in the demise of the relationship.  Therefore, an unwillingness to forgive can actually paralyze us from having healthy relationships–both in the present and future.

Forgiveness is a choice.  You can continue to live in the pain and bitterness of the past or forgive and live in the joy, freedom, and peace in your present and future.

To Your Relationship Success,

Jesse & Melva