Most likely, if you’re married, your commitment in marriage began with the exchanging of vows. The commitment you made to your spouse probably included words where you agreed to love, cherish, honor, comfort, keep each other in sickness and health, for better or worse, richer or poorer, and forsaking all others for as long as you both would live. These were promises—a marriage commitment, a pledge, a vow you made to each other in the presence of witnesses. They were not just mere words to be taken lightly—something you were expected to say that had no real meaning. They were intended to have been taken seriously because commitment to your spouse in marriage is an extremely important, serious, and solemn matter.

It means that once the marriage commitment is made that your lives are bond together forever. It means that you have committed to remain married and work through whatever challenging life situations you might encounter. It means that the ways you relate to each other are determined by the commitments contained in your vows. You have made a free, conscious decision to commit to an exclusive legal, morale, emotional, spiritual, and sexual marriage relationship with your spouse. And because of it, each of you has committed to hold a very special place in your heart that is reserved just for each other.

In our marriage counseling with couples, we emphasize that commitment in marriage should not be just the “exchanging of the vows” at the wedding and then forgotten. Commitment to your spouse should be demonstrated on an ongoing daily basis. For example, it might mean turning off the TV or leaving the computer to have an important conversation, coming right home after work to spend some quality time with your spouse, delaying or forgoing a personal purchase to help pay a bill, working a temporary low paying menial job because the money is needed to meet your family’s financial obligations, following through on what you promised, or being tired and exhausted but deciding to be available to each other when needed, etc., etc.

Your commitment can be demonstrated in thousands of ways—both great and small. How to commit in any marital situation is determined by whatever is needed to love, honor, cherish, comfort, and keep each other in the moment. It requires doing the work to demonstrate your love and caring even when it is the most difficult, you don’t want to do it, but you do it anyway!

There is a powerful, wonderful, peaceful and tremendous sense of security, confidence, safety and trust in marriage when couples demonstrate their ongoing and unwavering commitment to their spouse. Commitment builds character. It enables both persons in their marriage to achieve their full potentials both as individuals and as a married couple. Commitment means you bring to the table the best you have to share—your time, talents, attention, energy, and very best effort. And because you’ve made the commitment to yourself, each other, and are following through, there is no question that you will be successful.

If your desire is to have the highest quality of life possible, we suggest that you review your commitments to yourself and your marriage. Are you doing everything possible to make your marriage happy, fulfilling, and successful? Are you doing all that you need to do to be the very best person you can be so you can be and even better spouse in my marriage? Think about it.

photo credit: A Silly Person

To Your Relationship Success,

Jesse and Melva

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A lot is being said these days about abuse and torture in the military among detainees. Far too many people don’t have to look “over there” to find abuse because it’s closer for them in their own homes.

Sometimes, people are not aware that they are in an abusive marriage or relationship.

Let’s look at some of the characteristics.

You may be in an abusive relationship if your partner:

-Is overly jealous or possessive toward you

-Tries to control you by being very bossy or demanding

-Tries to isolate you by demanding you cut off social contacts and friendships

-Is violent and/or loses their temper quickly

-Pressures you sexually, demands sexual activities you are not comfortable with

-Abuses drugs or alcohol

-Claims that you are responsible for their emotional state

-Blames you when they mistreat you

-Makes “jokes” that shame, humiliate, demean or embarrass you either privately or publicly

-You or your partner or both grew up witnessing an abusive parental relationship

-You’ve left repeatedly and then return against the advice of your friends, family and loved ones

-Constantly keeps track of your time

-Accuses you of being unfaithful or flirting

-Discourages your relationships with friends and family

-Prevents or discourages you from working, interacting with friends or attend school

-Constantly criticizes and belittles you

-Controls all finances and forces you to account for what you spend

-Destroys or takes your personal property or sentimental items

-Has had multiple affairs

-Threatens to hurt you, your children or pets. Threatens to use a weapon

-Pushes, hits, slaps, punches, kicks, or bites you and/or your children

So what do you do if you or someone you know is living in an abusive relationship?

-Face the fact that things are not going to get better because you ask your partner to and they say they’re sorry.

-Abusive relationships cannot be changed from one side. Both must be open, honest, have a willingness to change and follow through

-If the abuser is unwilling to seek help, we urge you to leave before you or your children are hurt.

-Both of you must get individual professional counseling to overcome the pattern of abuse. If the abuser is unwilling, then you should seeking counseling on your own

-Help is readily available by searching the internet, police department, churches, and social service agencies.

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To your relationship success!

Jesse and Melva

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photo credit: Denise ~*~

First, we shared with you the importance of listening to your partner. It was a major factor in your becoming a couple. Because you were able to talk and be heard, you felt cared for and supported. And somewhere along the process, you became friends and lovers. At least, we hope so.

A good friend is a person you can talk to. You can share your most intimate thoughts, secrets, worries and feelings without fear of shame or ridicule. You are confident that your friend will always be there for you 24-7 no matter what by offering unconditional love and support. And because you have a friend you can count on, you are better able to handle life’s challenges.

It’s really unfortunate and quite sad that far too often, couples start off being friends but lose their friendship along the way. And when you lose your friendship, you lose a very important aspect of your relationship. Too often, friendship takes a back seat to work, bill paying, child rearing, cooking, cleaning, grass cutting, and a lot of “things to do” to manage a household. However, a relationship is not much fun when all you do is to get bogged down with a lot of “tasks.” Is it any wonder, then, that your relationship may not be nearly as exciting as it once was?

We’d like to suggest that it is possible to “do life” and be friends. In fact, we’d even suggest that life works far better when your friendship is the underlying basis for everything you do in life.

If you’d like to restore the kind of loving connection you once had, we’d suggest that you schedule the time on a daily basis to talk like you once did. And, really listen to each other without judgment or advice–unless requested. Talk about your life challenges and your successes–about your worries, fears, hopes, and desires. Share your most intimate thoughts and feelings about where you are right now. And listen to each other not only with your head but also with your heart.

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Here’s to your relationship success!

Jesse and Melva

photo credit: jazzylolo

The number 1 problem in relationships is an inability to communicate. And, the major problem in an inability to communicate is that one or both partners don’t feel heard. Even when things are going well, we often don’t give our full attention to what our partners are saying. But when we get triggered emotionally, we tend to stop listening because we’re preparing our rebuttal. This only makes things worse.

So, just how important listening is in relationships? Think back to when you first started dating. Remember how much you talked. It felt wonderful to have someone listen to you–to pay attention to what you were saying. This was one of the reasons why you fell in love. If listening and being heard with an empathetic, caring, and loving heart made you fall in love, doesn’t it make sense that listening would also help you sustain a loving relationship over time?

Many people are literally starving to be heard–not just by their partner’s ears but also by their compassionate hearts. The question is–how good a listener are you? Do you really pay close attention to what your partner is saying? Are you listening with your head and your heart? Is your partner starving to be heard by you?

One of the greatest gifts and loving acts you can give your partner is to listen to them because it fulfills a very basic human need. If your partner can’t talk to you, they may be tempted to talk to someone else who will listen. If this should happen, it can cause a major problem in your relationship. Our advice is to make a conscious effort to listen to your partner. Plan time to have the kind of conversations you once did when you were dating. And don’t be surprised if you don’t find a new “spark” in your relationship.

photo credit: kira_westland

Researchers for the British wedding-planning Web site confetti.co.uk have compiled a list the “vital ingredients” for lasting love. They surveyed 3,000 married people and discovered some common traits in happy couples:

These are the common traits for couples before marriage:

• They met through friends
• Married after three-and-a-half years of courtship
• Married at age 31 for the groom and age 29 for the bride

These are the common traits for happy couples after marriage:

• Say the L-word at least once a day
• Keep the spark alive with three calls, e-mails or texts during each workday
• Kiss four times per day
• Spend three nights per week cuddling on the sofa
• Waited two years and two months before starting a family
• Take two romantic meals out each month
• Have sex three or more times per week
• Have two separate nights out with friends per month
• Take two weekends away per year

So, why are we sharing this with you? We thought it might be a way of you making a personal assessment of how you are relating to your beloved on a regular basis. You may find places where you can improve and places where you’re already doing OK. In reality, all of us can stand a bit of improvement in some area(s).

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Here’s to your relationship success!

Jesse and Melva