Forgiveness in marriage is an important part of what we help couples to do in our marriage counseling. It’s because forgiving your spouse is not as easy as it may seem. The simple fact is that many of us don’t know how to forgive. A big part of the problem is in the way we define what forgiveness means. One definition of forgiveness is “giving up my right to hurt you for hurting me.” Another definition based upon our experience working with couples is “giving up my right to remain hurt indefinitely for your hurting me.” This implies letting go of those thoughts and feelings that keep you bound to the offense committed against you.

Those who condemn their spouses to hell because of an unwillingness to forgive them, sentence themselves there as well. Forgiving your spouse does not mean forgetting or condoning what has happened to you. Forgiveness in marriage is not saying that things are okay now and then going back to an abusive situation and accepting your spouse’s unacceptable behavior. The act of forgiveness is primarily for the benefit of the person who forgives. It is not letting the guilty spouse “off the hook” and it does not minimize or justify the wrong. Your decision to forgive means that you have given up your need to define yourself as a victim because of the offense. Forgiving your spouse releases you from the negative thoughts and feelings associated with the offense and it allows you to live a freer and happier life in the present.

In spite of their best efforts, some spouses need help learning how to forgive. Forgiveness in marriage can be a challenge, especially if you really don’t want to forgive, or your spouse is unwilling to admit their wrong, or does not express any meaningful regret or remorse for what they have done. So how can you forget the unforgettable? How can you forgive the unforgiveable? There are some things that are “deal breakers” in marriage, especially if the spouse continues to repeat over and over again certain unacceptable behaviors.

Each individual must decide for themselves exactly what those behaviors are and the consequences should they continue. However, if a spouse determines that an offense is forgivable, that they want to forgive no matter how difficult it might be, and both spouses want to mend and move forward, then, it is possible to heal and move on. A first step is to remember that none of us is perfect and that demanding “perfection” from our spouse is unrealistic. You may have made a mistake(s) yourself but maybe you were lucky enough not to have gotten caught. So, a little compassion would be appropriate. Secondly, what’s required in forgiving your spouse is a decision—a willingness to move forward by letting go of the old hurts. If you find this difficult, we’d suggest that you go for marriage counseling on your own.

What if you’re the one who needs forgiveness? Some spouses don’t know how to forgive themselves when they’ve hurt their spouse. You may feel an intense sense of guilt and shame for what you have done. Holding onto resentments against yourself is just as harmful as it is holding onto resentments against another person. Mistakes are just that—mistakes—bad judgments. The thing to do is what our parents and teachers taught us long ago—that is, to learn from our mistakes and move on.

There are some important questions to ask, such as: Where did I go wrong? What was the error in my thinking? How did I handle that situation poorly? How will I think and act differently in the future? Add your own. Do some real soul searching. And if you’ve hurt your spouse deeply, go to them, admit your mistake without making excuses, seek their forgiveness, share what you have learned from the experience, commit to a new path and make amends, and allow them time to heal. Marriage counseling is also recommended to help both of you forgive and chart a new course.

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To Your Relationship Success,

Jesse and Melva

“All major religious traditions carry basically the same message, that is love, compassion and forgiveness the important thing is they should be a part of our daily lives.” — Dalai Lama

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photo credit: Kevin N. Murphy

Over our 33 years as marriage counselors, we have heard wives and girlfriends distressed over unfulfilling sex lives with their man. Some have attempted to discuss it with him but to no avail. Others are afraid of saying anything because they are fearful of his reaction.

We have found that the majority of men we’ve seen in our practice do not understand the sexual make up of women. In fact, they assume, incorrectly, that women respond to sex the same way that men do. This, of course, is absolutely not the case. While some men brag about their sexual prowess with women, the women in their lives tell a completely different story. The intent of this article is to attempt to make a start toward educating men about what women need sexually from them. We want to emphasize that female sexuality is an extremely comprehensive subject—far too much to cover adequately it this short article.

However, it is a start—ways of helping men understand what women want and need sexually. We also want to support women in better understanding and acknowledging their own sexuality. Hopefully, this will empower women to better articulate their needs to men. So, with that bit of an introduction, let’s begin with a few key ideas that women wished men understood about their sexuality.

Women Are Not Just Sexual Objects To Be Used and Then Discarded

For men, sexual intercourse is basically an external act that men can do without any emotional attachment or commitment. After an orgasm, a man can go about his day’s business without another thought. But intercourse for a woman means a lot more. The act of intercourse means that she is allowing a man to enter her body and most women are very particular about who they allow to do that. To the woman, it is a deeply personal act and it is important than men appreciate this. Most women need to feel an emotional connection to the man before they feel comfortable being sexual. They want to believe that sex means that the man really cares for them. She wants to believe that sex to him means more than just satisfying his ego or for his personal gratification without any regard for her afterward.

Women Want Men To Tell Them The Truth About Their Intent

Women want men to be honest about what they want from them. If it’s just about sex, say so and she’ll decide whether or not she’s willing to participate. But if sex is all you’re interested in, don’t make her believe that you want to pursue a meaningful relationship. This kind of deceit can be extremely painful to a woman.

Some men have said that “if I tell women the truth, they probably won’t have sex with me.” That’s true. But isn’t she entitled to knowing the truth so she can make up her own mind about having sex with you or not? She might say OK but in knowing the truth, she knows what to expect. So guys, is it all about you? It might explain why you’re not invited back for a second round. And doesn’t it make sense, then, that many women avoid you like the plague because it’s all about you and not about them?

Here’s a little something that is often not known about female sexuality. During intercourse, women produce a hormone called oxytocin. This hormone stimulates a strong emotional connection between the woman and her sexual partner. It means that women have a physiological and hormonal sexual component integrated into their emotional being. This is why casual “hook up” sex is often disappointing to women because it lacks an emotional connection. Men produce little, if any, oxytocin which allows them to have sex without any strings attached.

Women Need Time To Warm Up For Sex

Many men assume, incorrectly, that if he’s ready for sex that she’s ready too! This is absolutely not true for most women. Men and women are different—not just in their genitals. Men get aroused quickly and women take longer. Just because the man is ready doesn’t mean she’s ready. This is probably the biggest mistake men make—this includes even the more experienced lovers. Being sexual for women involves the totality of the relationship. It includes all the ways a man relates to his woman that lets her know that she is special, appreciated, adored, and desired. If she is planning to be sexual with her man, she is likely to think about it all day in preparing emotionally for this special moment in their relationship. All men have to do is to do or say something that destroys her anticipated fantasy, and her desire is likely to be gone in an instant. Guys should keep that in mind.

Men also underestimate how long it takes a woman to achieve orgasm. It’s estimated that for most women, it takes about 20 minutes. The majority of men can have an orgasm in about two minutes. So, foreplay isn’t just something you have to do before you can enter her. It’s a necessity if you want your woman to have a fulfilling sexual experience as well. So our advice to men is to add an additional 15-20 minutes of foreplay to your love making.

Women Like To Be Romanced, Loved, Appreciated, Cherished, and Treated Respectfully

Here’s our advice to men. If you disrespect your woman and don’t treat her like she’s special outside the bed, don’t expect her to want to jump into one with you! Women have an ongoing, never ending need to feel loved, appreciated, cared for, cherished, and desired. It’s their emotional food. All of us know how important physical food is to survival. Women need emotional food to survive emotionally. And when a man doesn’t give it to her, she’s starving. Women are fed emotionally by caring and loving words, gestures, expressions of appreciations, compliments for not only what they do, how they are, but also how they look. Women also like to be romanced by time together with you on dates, candlelight dinners, moonlight walks, etc. All the kinds of things you did when you were dating. If you’ve forgotten and don’t know how to romance her, ask your woman. She’ll be glad to tell you.

Women Need To Feel Safe To Tell You What Pleasures Them Sexually

We have discussed the fact that the sexual needs of men and women are different—that men usually are aroused quicker and that it takes much longer for women. We’ve also suggested that men add 15 minutes or more to foreplay to allow the woman to gradually become more and more aroused. Men are aroused by the thought of sex; women are more aroused by sensation. It’s sort of like starting a fire. It might take a few minutes to light but slowly, little by little, once it gets started things heat up nicely.

Both during foreplay and intercourse, women need to be able to tell their man what pleases them—where, how, what rhythm, speed, touch, when, and all that. Some women don’t feel comfortable talking to their man about such matters because they believe that he will be offended. After all, many men believe that when they’re “knocking it out of the ball park” that their woman is satisfied. She may not be and is afraid to tell you—unless, you sincerely let her know that you want to know how to pleasure her. Otherwise, she’s likely to lie and put on a performance to make you believe that she had an orgasm when she didn’t. She’s likely to do that to protect your male ego because she’s not sure exactly how you’d respond if you knew the truth. However, don’t expect her to be all that willing to have sex with you because, after all, what is she getting out of it? So the bottom line is if you want more frequent sex, you’ll really want to make sure that you’re pleasing her.

The Afterglow Is As Important To Women As Having Sex

For most men, after sex, guys just want to crash. Men carry a lot of sexual tension. We’ll explain this in our next article on what men want women to understand about their sexual needs. So after a man has had an orgasm, his body relaxes. There is a total system shutdown. But that’s not true for women. In fact, it’s just the opposite. Women return to a semi-aroused state. They want to connect, cuddle, talk, and may even want to have more sex—(it’s a shame that guys don’t know that). So, the afterglow is really important to women, and men would be wise to spend some time after sex to hug, cuddle, and talk to her. Who knows, the two of you just might go back for seconds!

To your relationship success,

Jesse and Melva

photo credit: Kirstelisa

In our last article, we stated that in our 33 years as marriage counselors that women have complained that most men don’t understand what women want and need sexually. The sad news is that the reverse is also true—that most women don’t understand men’s sexual make up either. So, we have women and men in relationships, having sex, and neither really understands what the other needs when it comes to sex. And that’s most unfortunate. It explains why many couples are frustrated sexually—so much so, that it is estimated that nearly 40 million married couples in the U.S. either have little or no sex.

The purpose of this article is to attempt to make a start toward educating women about male sexually. This is an extremely comprehensive subject—far too much to cover adequately it this short article. However, it is a start—ways of helping women understand male sexuality. We also want to support men in better understanding their own sexuality. Hopefully, this will enable men and women to better understand each other and have more mutually fulfilling sexual experiences. So, with that bit of an introduction, let’s begin with a few key ideas that men wished women understood about their sexuality.

All Men Are Not Dogs

There is a common belief among a lot of women that men will have sex with just about any woman if given the opportunity. Therefore, they act like dogs. The truth is that this is not true. To be sure there are men (and women too) who are sex addicts but this represents a rather small number of men. Most men truly love their wives and do not run around trying to sleep with every woman they see. So to say that men are dogs is an insult to men.

Men, Like Women, Like To Be Appreciated

Most men would prefer that their wives acknowledge them for how hard they work to care and provide for their wives and families. Many men work at jobs they hate, allow themselves to be taken advantage of by their bosses, and basically do whatever they have to do to make sure that their families are taken care of. They arrive home tried, stressed out, worn out, and want a place where they can relax. We’re not minimizing for one minute the fact that wives are overburdened and stressed out too because of all they do for their husbands and families. What we are saying is that because both men and women are doing their very best to provide what’s needed for their families and both need to be appreciated and acknowledged by each other.

A Wife’s Nagging and Complaining Is A Real “Turn Off” To Men

Some men say that their wives complain constantly and that it’s a real “turn off.” A lot of men say that while having a hard day at work, they fantasize about coming home to their families—playing with their kids and having a pleasant romantic evening with their wives. But the moment they open the door at home, their wives start complaining about the smallest of things.

Some men have said that they believe their wives deliberately start a fight to avoid having sex with them.

The problem is that many wives don’t feel resolved about certain important issues. They often feel frustrated that these issues just linger on indefinitely without any resolution. When couples don’t know how to communicate effectively and resolve issues, the problem remains. So wives who are often feeling an emotional disconnection and unsettled inside while things are kept “hanging,” keep bringing them up hoping that finally they will be addressed and resolved. Men often see it as complaining. Wives see it as trying to get something important handled. If couples would learn to communicate better so they could resolve their issues faster and better, both men and women would benefit immensely.

Some Men Suffer From Performance Anxiety

A lot is expected these days from men in the bedroom. The man must be able to (1) be knowledgeable and skillful in arousing his wife through foreplay, (2) be able to get an erection and this can be a significant problem for some men due to a number of medical reasons, (3) be able to maintain an erection long enough for his wife to achieve an orgasm—maybe multiple orgasms, and (4) satisfy his wife’s need for romantic cuddling after he achieves orgasm by staying awake even though the release of his sexual tension causes him to relax. Most likely, he wants to fall asleep while his wife is in a semi-aroused state. He’s through, and she’s not.

There is a lot of pressure on men to provide good sex to women these days. Women are now demanding, and rightfully so, that their sexual needs be met. They are no longer willing to allow their husbands to just “do his thing” without being sexually fulfilled. Many men want to but simply don’t know how. Other men think they know but really don’t. Unfortunately, many, if not most couples, are unable to talk about sex empathetically or constructively together so the problem remains unresolved and couples frustrated.

Some Men Have The Same Kind of Self-Esteem and Body Image Issues As Women

It is quite common for women to look at themselves in the mirror and make judgments, often negative, about how they look. Men look at themselves in the mirror too. Some like what they see and others don’t. A man may feel out of shape, unattractive, and question whether or not he is desirable to his wife anymore. He may notice his “love handles,” his gut and see himself as not being physically fit. Some men, like women, don’t want their wives to see them naked. One wife couldn’t understand why her husband rushed to put on his boxer shorts right after sex. As it turns out, he felt his genitals were “small” so he was embarrassed after sex.

When you add the kind of work and financial pressures men often feel along with body-image and performance issues, these combine to impact how a man feels about himself. Men need the same kind of reassurances that women expect from their husbands because both are struggling with the same kind of issue.

Men Wished Women Understood Their Sex Drive and Their Need For Sexual Release

Men’s sex drive is far different than that of women. It might be helpful to start by using an example that both men and women can relate to. We’ve all had situations where our bladders were full and we needed to urinate. Maybe we’re not in a place where we can do it right then. So, we have to wait. In the meantime, more urine is collected in our bladder to the point that it might become so uncomfortable, even painful, that we must relieve ourselves. Once we do, we can relax.

If you can relate to that example, it illustrates what happens with men who need to have a way of releasing the buildup of semen in their testicles. It is estimated that billions of sperm are produced weekly and a quadrillion (1,000,000,000,000) over a lifetime. The sperm is held in the man’s epididymis at the rear of his testicles. Sperm is produced continuously, 24/7 and upon building up, just like urine, it wants out. It must be released or the man will find it uncomfortable and in some instances, painful.

There are three ways a man can find relief through the release of this sperm. It is released through ejaculation by orgasm, masturbation, or nocturnal emissions (wet dreams). The need to release this build up of sperm applies to all men—from Presidents to Pastors. This need, this urge, to release his sperm is a natural process inherent within men that is designed to insure the continuation of the human race through the need to reproduce “after its kind.”

Some women might take the attitude that how a man ejaculates his sperm is not her problem and all that we’ve done is to prove that “men are dogs.” Other women might respond by saying “So, what’s the point.” There are a couple of points. The first is that if you’re a mother raising a male child, perhaps alone, it’s important that you know enough about male sexuality to teach your child what he needs to know about his own body. The second point is that if you insist that your husband understand your sexuality, it is equally important that you understand his. So we think it’s important that women not only understand but also be more empathetic of men and their sexuality. Many women, unfortunately, assume that there is no difference. One example is that many women believe that men can “hold out” sexually as long as they can. When you understand men’s sexual physiology, it’s clear that it is not a part of the male design. So, it at least makes you more empathetic and less judgmental of your husband’s sexual needs and make up.

Most Husbands Really Love Their Wives And Prefer To Have Sex With Them Over Any Other Woman

This may come as a surprise to many women. Your husband might glance at other women but it’s you that he loves and wants to be with—including sexually. We discovered an important statistic while preparing for this series. In one research project, when men who were in sexless marriages were asked if they would leave their wives because they were not having sex, the overwhelming majority said “no.” They wanted to have sex with their wives but they would not leave them because they had sexless marriages.

Men and women have a lot to learn about each other—especially when it comes to sexual differences. Our sincere hope is that at least these series of articles will start some important conversations between husbands and wives. We believe that it is essential in empowering couples to have mutually fulfilling sexual experiences together.

To your relationship success,

Jesse and Melva

Dr. Hendrix says that intense and reoccurring arguments are a good indicator that one or both partners have unresolved childhood pain such as abandonment, rejection, smothering, shame or helplessness.

Check out the full article and experience the couples exercise for yourself:

Uncovering the Wounds of the Past

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Enjoy!

Jesse and Melva

In their book, “He’s Just No Up for It Anymore,” Dr. Bob Berkowitz and his wife, Susan Yaeger-Berkowitz, share the results of surveys and interviews with more than 4,000 men and women in this situation.

Some of the main reasons why men said they stopped having sex was:

She doesn’t seem to enjoy sex

She isn’t sexually adventurous enough for me

I’m angry at her

I’m bored with our sex life. We do the same thing in the same position all the time

She’s depressed

I no longer find her physically attractive. She’s overweight and let herself go.

I suffer from erectile dysfunction

I’m on medication that has lowered my libido

I lost interest and I don’t know why

I am/was having an affair

Their new survey indicates that both men and women feel hurt, angry, confused and not very appealing when their spouse rejects them in bed.

The reasons why men think their wives stopped having sex with them are:

She wasn’t that interested in sex to begin with but married me anyway

My wife was sexually abused as a child and it had a negative impact on her sexually

She grew up with religious beliefs against having sex that she can’t overcome

She has a medical condition that makes sex uncomfortable

She refuses to let go of past fights, arguments, and hurt feelings

She believes that I can go without sex as long as she can

She’s more into taking care of the kids and meeting their needs than in meeting my needs

She’s on the pill. I heard that it reduces the libido by 30% or more for some women

She has let herself go and is out of shape. She doesn’t even want to see herself naked.

Both of us are bored. We have sex the same way every time.

She’s not satisfied sexually and doesn’t tell me what she wants to make it better

After our review from several sources, we’ve concluded that the reasons women give for not having sex with their husbands are:

Intercourse is physically painful for me

I’m angry. He never wants to help me out around the house or with the kids.

I’m pretty sure he’s having an affair. Or he’s had an affair in the past and I just can’t get past the hurt

My husband has gained a lot of weight, is badly out of shape, and he doesn’t turn me on anymore

He treats me like crap and expects it not to matter

He only shows affection when he is horny

He tells me I am fat, stupid, boring, or a nag

He’s too selfish as a lover.

He forgets special occasions—like our anniversary and my birthday

He doesn’t say “I love you” or “I’m sorry”

He insists on sex acts that he knows are huge turn offs for me

He spends way too much time away from me—watching porn, or being with his friends, or with sports.

I’m tired of being ignored. He watching a ballgame or just about anything is more important than having a conversation with me

It is unfortunate, but true, that some partners withhold sex deliberately as a punishment. The attitude is, “why should I give you sex when you won’t give me what I want?” In many instances, one or both partners hold onto a long list of grievances—some of which are likely never to be resolved because it provides a reason not to be emotionally or sexually intimate.

If you are a couple where one or both of you are unhappy because of a sexless marriage, we urge you to seek help. You may be satisfied without having sex but your partner may not. If one has a problem, both of you have a problem because your anger and resentment toward each other is likely to leak out in numerous ways that will result in continuing damage to your relationship. Remember that problems in marriage don’t improve by ignoring them. In fact, it only makes things worst.

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To your relationship success,

Jesse and Melva